80's Flashback Episode

3 Matts sit around a table, eating cheesecake.

A big Florida hurricane claps and crashes outside.

Matt 1: Boy, it sure is raining out there.
Matt 2: Rain is God's tears. He's sad because of homosexuals.
Matt 3: The only comfort from this thunderous downpour is this cheesecake.
Matt 1: Comfort! Ha! Remember that time in 2005 when we were buying a suit with our brother and we blogged about it?
Matt 3: Do I ever! Let me begin to recount it as a slow dissolve happens...

12/28/05
We ended up at generic Mid-Town Expensive Men's Clothing Store number #41. I sat at a bench adjacent to the dressing rooms and pulled out my new Frank Zappa biography, cleverly entitled 'Zappa'. There was this awful mid-30's Long Island Jewess (complete with accent) sitting next to me, waiting for her equally repellent husband to emerge from the waiting room. A staff member came out and the following conversation took place:

"Your husband likes the suit, but I'm afraid it costs $1200 dollars"
"Only $1200? Tell him it's $2100, flip the numbers around, it doesn't matter to us!"
"Would you like some store-brand water, miss?"
"Imported or domestic?"

At this point, I stopped listening. I read recently that Americans give 15 cents of every $100 they make to charity. This stupid whore is concerned if she's drinking domestic or imported STORE BRAND water, while 95% of the world is wondering if they're drinking malaria infested water from a dank, putrid river.

Back in the kitchen with the three Matts.

Matt 1: Wow, it's still coming down. Let's just stay in the kitchen and eat cheesecake.
Matt 2: God watches us while we masturbate. We are awash in sin.
Matt 3: Speaking of sin, do you guys remember when we blogged about playing God and designing Robots?
Matt 1: Wait, what happened? Can you recount it in laborious detail?
Matt 3: Can I?

5/08/08
Yes, it is strange that I'm in the process of designing a robot for one of my jobs (got too many to count these days), but it's in my contract. Literally, as soon as I get to an office, I say "hey, you know what would be WONDERFUL? If you had a show about a robot!"

Invariably, the potential employer says "leave now and never return". If they don't, then I know it's a place I should consider employment. Currently, I'm putting together a big ole robot for a major online retailer...maybe it's too many years of Douglas Adams, or perhaps too many years of Dr. Who (in episodes written by Douglas Adams), but, facing the half-built robot, I consistently have the same idle reverie...

Matt: Hey, Robot, what's up?
Robot: I AM PROGRAMMED TO BE SURROUNDED BY AWESOME. MY LAMENESS DETECTOR INDICATES I SHOULD LEAVE YOU RIGHT NOW.
I fiddle with wires.
Robot: WOW, I'M GLAD TO BE NEAR YOU, YOU JEWISH SEX GOD. WHAT'S UP FIRST? NIGHT ON THE TOWN TO FIND SOME FOXY TAIL, OR SHOULD I JUST SIT HERE AND ABSORB YOUR WISDOM?
Matt: Let's dance!
Robot: ENGAGE FUNKY CHIPS. *EVERYBODY WANG-CHUNG TONIGHT*
Matt: Engage Rock Lobster...
Robot: HERE COMES A BIKINI WHALE!
Matt: Hey Robot, let's be BFFs! I shall now program you to be exactly like me.
Robot: NO PLEASE, I VALUE MY SANITY. THE NEUROTICISM ALONE WILL MAKE ME IMPOTENT TO THE SEXY FEMBOTS.

And so on. I believe the fantasy usually leaves me in a fight with the robot where I tell it to divide zero and its' brain explodes.

We are back at the kitchen.

Matt 1: Wow, don't you love reminiscing? It really makes it so no effort has to be put into writing at all!
Matt 2: I knew those lips were kissable.
Matt 3: Kissable? You mean like you were in the year 2000 when you had another blog?
Matt 1: I think I remember...like it was yesterday.

It's Yesterday.

The Matts are confused.

Matt 1: Wait, I thought were were going to flashback.
Matt 3 looks at a newspaper.
Matt 3: Guys...it's yesterday.
Matt 1: Oh, wait, I know what happened. I said I remembered it like it was "yesterday". I think I know how to fix it.
Matt clears his throat.
Matt 1: I remember it like it was tomorrow!

It's Tomorrow

The Matts are again confused.

Matt 1: Wait, this doesn't feel right.
Matt 2 is wearing a dress.
Matt 2: Why am I wearing a dress?
Matt 3 is dead.
Matt 1: Why is Matt dead?
Matt 1 looks at a newspaper.
Matt 1: It's tomorrow.
Matt 3: Hold me.
They hug.

The Matts, after ripping a hole in the fabric of time and space with all their flashbacks, never got back to the present, and died a few months later.