Slowly Dying Inside Doesn't Mean I'm Dying Outside!

By George Blembeck

Guest Blogger

Hey, just because I can barely make it through an hour of the painful, unending suffering that is life doesn't mean I don't know how to party.

Sure, I may stare at my pale, flabby body in the mirror and think about all the creatively diverse ways I could kill myself, only to stop short because I'm afraid it would give my father a heart attack; but a night out with me is going to be a blast!

You and me are going to paint this mother fucking town red, bitch!

What, you're concerned that I haven't left my bedroom in a week and you heard me loudly criticizing myself about a litany of failed opportunities? Fuck that, hoe! George Blembeck is all about the three Rs:

Red Wine With Bitches

Roses On The Bed With Bitches

Being Accused of Statutory Rape of Bitches

That last one only happened once, and sure it sent me through a giant shame spiral and put me in a place where my own gerbil vomited in disgust at the site of me; but George's BACK and ready to FUCK...someone with a properly authenticated state-issued ID.

Yeah, the last time I had sex it was with a concussed drunk girl who thought my name was Peter, but at least I got some action! OK, she had one arm and kept counting her eyebrows to make sure they didn't "add up to a number that offended Jesus", but damnit, we had a great time. It was special, fo' sho'...until she woke up the next morning and stole all of my high fiber cereals.

I thought she was the one!

So, let's go out tonight, buddy. You won't have a BETTER TIME with anyone else! Of course, I'll be thinking about how the noise of the bar and the piercing stares of its inhabitants makes me feel like I am less than a spec of nothingness; but at least I'll look like I'll be having a good time.

Maybe we'll get drunk! I'll put some kick ass tunes in the Jukebox and dance like an asshole because that's what well-adjusted people do; pretend they're having fun while hating everything about themselves and those that surround them.

Won't you please join me?

If Jews Ran The World...

I found out something interesting today, but I'm afraid to share it, for fear that I play too much on the "Jewy" angle.

Oh vell!

Syrians, Palestinians, and Lebanese share more DNA with Jews than they do with neighboring non-Jews. Talk about your self-hating Jews!

The theory is that most of them were Jews to begin with, but converted to Islam somewhere along the way...too bad that hasn't caused both sides to hug and fondle each others' dangly underthings.

This doesn't actually come as a surprise to me. I mean, let's take Arafat for example...the man looked pretty freakin' Jewish...maybe a Jew who spent a little too much time in the Florida sun, but Jewish nonetheless...

I mean, let's be honest; the guy could have been Jackie Mason's angry, comically hilarious headcovering-wearing brother Shlomo.

They've got to share some schlumpy DNA, no?

So where does it leave us?

0.2 percent of the world is Jewish. 19% is Islamic and 32% is Christian. That's 51%! Let's be honest.

If Jews were 51% percent of the world's population, do you think we'd have such socio-political strife in the world? No. Here's the 5 reasons why:

1) POPULAR AVAILABILITY OF PASTRAMI SANDWICHES: Have you ever been to the "2nd Avenue Deli" in New York? No? How about "Langer's" in Los Angeles? Not that one either? OK, well here's a little Jew-insight...we like Pastrami sandwiches and have for thousands of years. Do you want to proselytize after eating one? No, you want to drink a Cel-Ray tonic and unbutton your pants.

If Jews ran the world, these delights would be available in McDonalds and Burger King and everyone would be too pacified by deliciousness to argue.

As the prophet George Costanza experienced...pastrami only makes life better. In fact, his girlfriend once said: "I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats."

2) GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR: Go ahead...name me an Islamic or Christian comedian who is hilarious. I'm giving you time. Think hard. Dane Cook? Good luck with that.

Jewish people are hilarious. Let's just be honest. Even unintentionally...Jews are hilarious. All the way from The Marx Brothers to Seth Rogen...Jews know how to joke around.

Christians? Jeff Foxworthy. Go ahead. Try and laugh at him. If Jews were running the world, there would be too many awkward Larry David-esque exchanges to start a war...we'd be too busy arguing over dinner portions or tip amounts.

3) DOCTORS AND LAWYERS: We've got your ass if you're sick. Have you ever been to a BAD Jewish doctor? Seriously, think back...when have you gone to a Jewish MD, and left thinking "boy, I really didn't get A+ service" ? Sure, we might charge an arm and a leg, but at least we made sure that said extremities are still attached to your body.

As for Lawyers...who would be left to sue the Christian doctors who fucked you up? 'Innocent' Murderer OJ Simpson's lawyers? Robert Shapiro, Alan Dershowitz. Convicted murderer Scott Peterson's lawyer? Mark Geragos.

Case closed. Go with Jews if you want to get away with murder.

4) WE'RE GOOD WITH MONEY: OK, Do I need to even go further than this?:

Clinton's budget surplus under Jewish treasury secretary Robert Rubin? $127 billion
Bush's budget deficit under Christian treasury secretary Henry Paulson? $482 billion

We run the world and even starving African Children will be enjoying $14 Pastrami Sandwiches AND leaving a big tip for mediocre service. Let's just be honest.

5) WE AREN'T WHITE: Lest you be mistaken, Jews ain't white. We're not even close to being white. White people have a history of being Oppressors. Jews have a history of being Bagel Eaters. Shit, we couldn't even do that in most places. We had to eat bagels in basements under a blanket while bleaching our hair strawberry blonde. Do you even know how often we've been oppressed? Check this shit out.

Like once every 100 years, 20% of us are murdered and kicked out of wherever we are. That's why we've been around for 3000 years, but we're only .2 percent of the world's population.

This ain't about being religious. A lot of Jews are secular. In fact, we celebrate being secular.

Here are but a few Jewish "non-believers"

Albert Einstein
Sigmund Freud
Emma Goldman
Karl Marx
Woody Allen (I'm assuming)
David Cronenberg
David Cross
Stephen Jay Gould
Theodor Herzl
Mark Zuckerberg

Anyway, I'm sure the list goes on and on. I guess we've got good DNA, which means the Syrians, Palestinians, and Lebanese do too...maybe peace isn't so far off....

Super Jew!

I wrote something today.

I don't know why I wrote it.

I think it had to do with a "Butterfinger Buzz" that I consumed. This discontinued candy was being given away at an Ad Agency where I was working.

It proclaims it has "As Much Caffeine As The Leading Energy Drink!"...12 hours later and my heart is still beating in an irregular fashion, I'm sweating and I'm pretty sure I can see into the future. Grunge's going to make a comeback, BTW.

Anyway, this background information might explain the following sketch, which I'm pretty sure is unexplainable. That Catch-22 would make a wonderful book. I'll call it "Catch-22...2: Captain Aardvark's Return, Except Told in Completely Uninteresting Prose".

OK, here ya go:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Neil and Matt are sitting around, literally staring at the WALL.

MATT: Oh man, I’ll never be a success at everything. I should probably just kill myself...except I hate me too much to put myself out of the misery.

NEIL: Dude, you’re such a stereotypical Jew. Seriously, you make Woody Allen look like Hermann Göring. 

MATT: Don’t knock it man, don’t you remember how I used my Jewiness to star in that SpikeTV show?

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDITS MONTAGE:

Graphics follow the lyrics:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

SuperJew: A Hasidim DRESSED AS A SUPERHERO (like Superman, except S is a Menorah) Frantically Talks On The Phone, CRYING...

SINGER: SUPER JEW! Calling mom about problems. 

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

SuperJew makes love to a BLONDE

SINGER: SUPER JEW! Hate Fucking All The Germans. 

He SHITS on her FACE.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

SuperJew holds a Calculator, while caressing a pile of money.

SINGER: SUPER JEW! Sound financial decisions!

INT. SYNAGOGUE - DAY

SuperJew gives a thumbs UP!

SINGER:  SUPER JEW!

VOICE OVER: Super Jew is brought to you by Schmuley’s Matzoballs.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

A BLACK Hasidim sits at a table. 

He takes a bite of soup.

HASIDIM: Damn, that’s a fine ass SOUP!

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM

Neil looks perplexed.

NEIL: What are you doing?

MATT: Huh?

NEIL: You said “don’t you remember how I used my Jewiness to star in that SpikeTV show?” Then you stared blankly at the wall for 10 seconds. You never had a show on Spike.

Matt looks in a mirror...

ALL OF A SUDDEN, He’s Dressed as SUPER JEW.

MATT (to himself): One day, super Jew...one day...

And with that, I bid thee farewell...

I'm Rich Bitch!

Well, as all my various readers can tell (all 12 of you), I haven't been updating as much as I used to.

Life's hard motherfucker! I have no free time that doesn't involve morose self-reflection or painful imaginary wrist-cutting.

I think I'm well adjusted; it's just that I'm 'well adjusted' to a life of never-ending pain.

I would commit suicide, but I hate me too much to do myself such a big favor.

Still, there are simple pleasures; eating a bag full of Oreos, then purging in the toilet until the tears and vomit combine to form a grotesque masturbatory lubricant.

I pause for a quick thought: "where does that last sentence even come from? What irregular series of thoughts came together to make my fingers gingerly type that?"

The answer, my friends is in 15-20 years of intense psychotherapy. I like to go to a psychoanalyst who is also a therapist: a Psyscho-analrapist. But enough about my Friday nights!

In any case, I think "simple pleasures" should be renamed as "things that distract you from your inevitable, meaningless death". It makes a little more sense to me.

This week, my "TTDYFYIMD" are:



I dare you to listen to that song and not get throughly absorbed in the complex, evocative imagery. My only problem with Dylan? He was born a Jew (hello! We're the best religion!) and converted to a "Born Again" Christian (hello! American culture between the years 2000-2008!)

I'm informed that he's now "semi-Jewish", or as I like to call it Jew...ish. So I can listen to his music again.

And of course, there's always this:

Chappelle's Show
The Wayne Brady Show
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

Sure, a lot of the humor of the show was predicated on racial stereotypes that might have enforced them (and why Chappelle probably left the show), but it's really fucking funny.

I like to watch it while shaving my knees and spiraling off into the vast emptiness that used to yield limitless potential, but now yields limited disappointment.

Delicious and Easy 20 Minute Steak

I thought I might just throw up a quick and easy recipe for a 20 minute steak for those of us on the run/those of us who are completely incompetent in the kitchen.

Here's what you'll need before you cook:

To Serve 2 People:

Lean Steak (1/4-1/3 lb per person)

3-4 cloves of Garlic (chopped thick)

2 tablespoons of olive oil

2 heaping tablespoons of sweet salsa (something like a "peach mango" salsa, one spoon on each steak)

5-7 crushed crackers (something delicious and crunchy, Rice Crackers work well...)

A few squirts of your favorite BBQ sauce

Dash of Salt and Pepper

Directions:

-Cover a cooking dish with aluminum foil, then spread Olive Oil evenly across the foil. Squirt some BBQ sauce (as much as you want) in with the oil.

-Take steaks and rub both sides in Olive Oil/BBQ sauce mix, then lay them on the foil.

-Top steaks with salt & pepper, chopped garlic (I personally like really thick pieces of garlic, not minced), salsa and crushed crackers (you can put the crackers in a bowl and hit them with a blunt object until they break into little pieces).

-Turn Broiler On...

-Stick steaks in your broiler; flip them over after about 7 minutes, then flip 'em back again after 7 minutes for another few minutes. Depending on how well you like your steaks done, they should be ready in about 15 minutes.

A good way to tell is to cut a little into the center of the steak and check and see how "pink" the middle is. I personally think they taste best with a decent amount of pink; say around medium.

Another way, suggested here, is: "Check the edges. If you have a thicker steak, the color of the edges is often a good way to tell how done the middle is. When the edges change from red to pink to brown, the inside is probably moving from rare to medium rare to medium."

When you're done, the cracker/salsa/garlic topping will probably be all over your foil, so make sure to scoop it on top of your steak before you serve. It's pretty tasty.

While you're cooking the steak, you can make a good side dish, here's what you need:

1 bag of Sweet Potatoes, cut up (they have these at Trader Joe's, etc)

1-2 teaspoons of brown sugar (depending on how much sugar you like)

1/2 lemon, squeezed

a sprinkle of water

-Put Sweet Potatoes on a microwave safe plate.

-Squeeze 1/2 Lemon on them

-Evenly sprinkle some water on them (as much water as you might have on your fingers after you wash them)

-Gently dust them with brown sugar

Cover tightly in plastic wrap, stab a few holes in the wrap with a fork, and microwave for about 7 minutes.

You can add basically any vegetable to this concoction to make a pretty tasty side. Carrots or Brussel Sprouts work nicely too.

And basically you have it; a nice, relatively healthy meal that's incredibly easy to make.

Google Voice

I love me some google, even if a ton of my personal information sits in their hands. (not to mention that 'Ceti eel' they put in my ear [read the TOS for youtube])

I'm so cool with them that I am so willing to take the virtual plunge into the glorious world of Google Voice...an application that allows me to NEVER PICK UP THE PHONE AGAIN!!!

Yes, Google Voice assigns you a phone number, you give it to people, they call it and leave a message. That message is then emailed to you, along with an audio recording of said message. Through your email you can either TXT that person back, or have Google Voice actually call them on your behalf (it calls you too...sort of an electronic conference call). I prefer to text, obviously, because I absolutely despise actually speaking to someone. 

Anyway, it's pretty cool. Here's me calling myself:

Here is what Google Voice THOUGHT I said: 

 

hi matt this is a test i'm trying to see if this message is transcribe correctly love you very much bye 

Here's my friend Paul calling it:

Here's what it thought Paul said:

 hello  matt  this  is  call  i  hope  your  social  media  experimenters  working  and  let  me  know  if  it  works  this  is  exciting  alright  

So, as you can see, some bits and pieces still left to be worked out, but I'm a fan.

If you want to chat, I encourage you to call me. I won't call back, but I might text, email, or some sort of other thingy.

Do it do it do it!!!

El Pollo Loco Commercial

I've always wanted to direct an El Pollo Loco commercial, and not just because their chicken is FUCKING CRAZY.

I mean, Chick-Fil-A is probably better, right? Someone brought me some once, but I didn't end up eating it. The "a" at the end scares me, but I'm a nervous character at heart, much like Mir-Hossein Mousavi or Woody Allen.

In any case, I woke up one morning with an El Pollo Loco commercial in my head and wrote a short sketch about it.

Read and understand that I have humongous mental problems.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Matt walks in as Neil and Franci sit around.

MATT: Hey guys, I got an acting gig.
NEIL: I didn’t even know you were an actor.
MATT: I’m not, but my parents didn’t pay enough attention to me as a child, so apparently, I’m a natural.
FRANCI: My father used to beat my hamster with a bible, because he thought it was living in sin with the rabbit.
NEIL: So what’s the job?
FRANCI: But it was just a plush chew toy we put in his cage.
MATT: Brian De Palma's directing a new ad campaign for El Pollo Loco!
FRANCI: I loved that fucking hamster.
NEIL: When can we see it?
MATT: Now, probably.

CUT TO:

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT
A PRIEST (MATT) is giving last rites to a GRIZZLED HISPANIC PRISONER on DEATH ROW.

The Prisoner has a TATTOO of a tear on his face.

PRISONER: Thank you Padre; my soul feels cleansed.
MATT: And for your last meal?
PRISONER: I want chicken like muy tia Rossette used to make.

The Prisoner CRIES and makes a CROSS.

Matt solemnly nods.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Matt walks into a KITCHEN,

MATT: We have a special request...

He SEES:

A CHEF with blood and GUTS spewing everywhere.

On the wall, written in BLOOD is “I’ll Be Back”.

CHEF: Avenge my death...

Matt looks to the camera, WORRIED.

CUT TO:
INT. JAIL CELL - LATER
Matt walks in with an EL POLLO LOCO bag, but tosses it aside and hands the meal to the prisoner.

The Prisoner takes a bite.

Matt looks concerned, dramatic music plays.

PRISONER: Si...éste es pollo de dios. (this is the chicken of God)

They SMILE at each other.

CUT TO:

INT. CLOSE UP SHOTS OF CHICKEN

VOICE OVER: El Pollo Loco is freshly flame broiled to order. So good, even a hispanic convict on death row can’t taste the difference.

CUT TO:
INT. JAIL CELL
Prisoner has finished chicken and is holding a sharp BONE in his hand.

MATT: God bless you...and El Pollo Loco.

The Prisoner STABS Matt and runs out.

SFX guns are fired.

CLOSE ON:

Half Eaten Chicken Meal.

GFX:
A CHICKEN GETS IT’S HEAD CUT OFF AND IT LANDS IN A PLATE

TAGLINE: “EL POLLO LOCO: FUCK THOSE CRACKERS”.

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

NEIL: I’m still waiting to see it.
FRANCI: Yeah, you just said “probably now” and have been standing there for 30 seconds.
MATT: You didn’t see that?
NEIL: See what?
MATT: Oh boy, I must be high again.

The PRISONER stands behind Franci and Neil, holding a hamster.
PRISONER: I’m gonna kill this fucking hamster.
MATT: Now that’s just loco!

Everyone starts laughing.

CLOSE ON:

HAMSTER PUPPET:

HAMSTER: Why are you laughing? Save me, you fucking Jew!



Something tells me that won't be El Pollo Loco's Spring 2010 campaign.