The Do-It-Yourself Guide To Social Interaction

I used to keep a blog as part of my job at a digital production company. As the writer/director of a popular web series, I garnered a pretty good following. Here's an example post about social etiquette. 

As most of you know; I receive a lot of fan mail. Most of it is from a nice man named Dr. Clement Okon from Nigeria who REQUESTS AN URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP. Well, I sent him a money order and pretty soon I'll have 25,000,000 (DOLLARS U.S.)! 

Occasionally, I get questions as well. Here is one of those:

Dear Matt:

I have a hard time communicating with my fellow man. I can’t handle greetings and salutations. Today some girl waved to me and I smiled and waved back. It turns out she was waving to her boyfriend, who saw me waving to her, and he gave me one of those “don't look at my girlfriend, douchebag” looks.

I immediately pretended to be waving to a guy on the street behind the girl, but then that guy gave me an even weirder “are you trying to pick me up, weirdo” look. The girl and her boyfriend started laughing. I ran home,, had a panic attack, then spent the next four hours drinking and contemplating my life decisions.

How do I prevent this in the future?

Thanks, Ezra

Great question Ezra. The best advice I can give you is avoid unnecessary social interaction of any kind.

Here’s a little multiple-choice quiz which illuminates my point:

You’ve seen this guy you vaguely know in the hall three times today. First time you smiled and said, “Hey, how’s it goin’?”, second time you gave him the old closed-lip grin and half wave, and the third time you gave him the acknowledging eyebrow raise and head jerk.

He’s coming down the hall again...what do you do?

1. Turn around and avoid walking into him with the “I forgot something” snap of the fingers.
   
2. Start violently coughing and pretend you don’t see him.
   
3. Pick up your cell phone and call your mother, start an argument with her about why
   you don’t have a girlfriend. Cry.
   

Personally, I prefer to mix it up; turn around, coughing violently, then cry. But enough about my sex life. The bottom line is that, unless you HAVE to talk to someone, there's no reason to acknowledge them. It's unnecessary and awkward.

So, you're thinking: “Easier said than done, Matt. What if someone's trying to – GASP – talk to you?” Well, a good way to avoid having to carry on a conversation is to completely ignore what other people are saying and respond in a distant, perplexed deer-in-the-headlights manner. My mom is great at this.

Read and learn:

Mom: (stuffing food down my throat) Why don’t you eat, put some meat on those bones, you're walking around looking like your thin cousin Herbert. Do you want to look like Herbert? You'll never get a girl looking like him.
Me: Herbert's gay, Mom.
Mom: Your uncle Albert would have a heart attack if he heard you talking like that! 
Me: Albert had a heart attack last week. Remember? I was talking to him about his gay son Herbert. 

What can we learn from my mother? Marriage is a huge mistake, according to my father. What else?
Don’t pay attention to what anyone says to you. Look confused or angry when someone tries to talk to you. If they don't give up, offer them some food. That way you can seek out the kitchen window while they're eating your kasha varnishkes.
Now this advice doesn't work for everyone. A lot of people love talking to strangers. For some mind bogglingly odd reason, they find it easy and enjoyable.

Well, some of us can handle the pressures of social interaction. I call these people “gentiles”. Here’s a little chart I’ll “chart” out for you so that can tell you what kind of person you really are:

Potential Social Situation:	Jew:	Gentile:
A Pretty Member of the opposite sex walks up to you and asks you for the time.	As your asthma starts to act up, you make an awkward joke about the metaphysical relativity of time.	You say, “I’ve got the time baby...in my pants”. You are married and driving an SUV in no time.
Someone engages you in an inane conversation about a local sports team in the elevator.	You smile and nod at your elevator man and pretend to know what he’s talking about. Leave him an extra large Christmas bonus because you are afraid he thinks you don’t like him.	Sign his autograph and tell him the knee injury is day-to-day and you’ll be back on the court in no time.
Your accountant asks you out to dinner to discuss financial matters.	Give him that secret “Brotherhood of the Jews” handshake, eat Matzo, make fun of Christ.	Tell him you’re busy. Slam down the phone, complain to the wife about how the Jews are “ripping us off; damn hebes”.

Try to convince him Israel isn’t the cause of all the world’s problems, and that if the Palestinians wanted, they could have peace and their own land. Feel really, really guilty for absolutely no reason at all. 

Agree to bomb Iraq, Pakistan, and any "Mooslum" countries. Reaffix 9-11 Soaring Eagle "Freedom Isn't Free" bumper sticker.

Are you a Jew or Gentile? Note: there's no such thing as a Jewtile.
 
The bottom line is that if interacting with people makes you uncomfortable in the slightest – then don't. Avoid it like the conversational plague it is. Because, as we all know, the best way to deal with your problems is by avoiding them. 

OK folks! Keep sending me your questions. If any of them makes me uncomfortable, I'll pretend they don't exist.