A short humor piece for my personal blog.
Hey there! You know my friend Will? I can't believe we're both at this party and we both know Will!
Where'd he go? I'm not sure, I think he said he was grabbing a beer. You know Will, one minute you come up to him and start complaining about your job and ask him "where the single ladies at?" and the next he's awkwardly introducing you to an acquaintance and quietly slipping away in the pursuit of more alcohol.
But never mind him! Tell me a little bit about yourself. At least enough so that I can remember the barest fact about you and immediately add you on Facebook, thereby increasing my friend count and giving me an inflated sense of self. If I have more friends than somebody, that means I'm more important, right? RIGHT???
What, you think adding a complete stranger is weird? I hardly think so; I mean, I have 1011 Facebook friends who can vouch for how awesome I am. Sure, I've only met 980 of them once, but they definitely got a sense of who I am...at least enough of a sense to click "accept" when the friend request fell into their inbox.
Why are your eyes darting around the party as I'm talking to you? Are you trying to find another cool friend to introduce me to? Maybe I can add them too!
OK, that's cool - you're pulling out your iPhone while I'm telling you about my top 10 albums of the 2000s. Now just look down at the tiny screen in the palm of your hand.
I've got you just where I want you.
Remember how I casually asked your last name when we first met? Well, it's gettin' formal up in here now bitch because I can spend this uncomfortable beat adding you on Facebook.
It's the 21st century and if I know your first and last names...we're friends.
OK, watch this, I'm pulling out my phone and opening up the Facebook app and looking you up. Even as you're walking away from me because our conversation died a painful, awkward death after I made that vaguely sexist Bill Cosby joke...I know that we'll be virtual friends forever.
So nice to meet you. We'll definitely be friends forever even though I've only met you once for about a minute and a half and I will most certainly never see you in person again. But I will be seeing your face. Or whatever your profile pic is. Maybe it's the puppy you said you just got. Can't wait to find out!
Hey there! You know my friend Will? I can't believe we're both at this party and we both know Will!
Where'd he go? I'm not sure, I think he said he was grabbing a beer. You know Will, one minute you come up to him and start complaining about your job and ask him "where the single ladies at?" and the next he's awkwardly introducing you to an acquaintance and quietly slipping away in the pursuit of more alcohol.
But never mind him! Tell me a little bit about yourself. At least enough so that I can remember the barest fact about you and immediately add you on Facebook, thereby increasing my friend count and giving me an inflated sense of self. If I have more friends than somebody, that means I'm more important, right? RIGHT???
What, you think adding a complete stranger is weird? I hardly think so; I mean, I have 1011 Facebook friends who can vouch for how awesome I am. Sure, I've only met 980 of them once, but they definitely got a sense of who I am...at least enough of a sense to click "accept" when the friend request fell into their inbox.
Why are your eyes darting around the party as I'm talking to you? Are you trying to find another cool friend to introduce me to? Maybe I can add them too!
OK, that's cool - you're pulling out your iPhone while I'm telling you about my top 10 albums of the 2000s. Now just look down at the tiny screen in the palm of your hand.
I've got you just where I want you.
Remember how I casually asked your last name when we first met? Well, it's gettin' formal up in here now bitch because I can spend this uncomfortable beat adding you on Facebook.
It's the 21st century and if I know your first and last names...we're friends.
OK, watch this, I'm pulling out my phone and opening up the Facebook app and looking you up. Even as you're walking away from me because our conversation died a painful, awkward death after I made that vaguely sexist Bill Cosby joke...I know that we'll be virtual friends forever.
So nice to meet you. We'll definitely be friends forever even though I've only met you once for about a minute and a half and I will most certainly never see you in person again. But I will be seeing your face. Or whatever your profile pic is. Maybe it's the puppy you said you just got. Can't wait to find out!
Get ready for a lifetime of "thumbs up" to statuses you really wish only your closest friends could read.
Prepare yourself for annoying invitations to join my Farmville community and empty, meaningless birthday wishes like "hbd bro". Do I even know how old you are? Please! I don't even know what decade you were born in.
Isn't technology wonderful?
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