Suicide Notes To Random Acquaintances

I wrote this for a comedy website

Dear Facebook Friend I Only Sort Of Remember Meeting,

Yes, that's it, I'm killing myself. I can no longer take this unending misery that is existence; goodbye friend...on Facebook.

You knew this was coming the one and only time I met you when you looked at me and said "nice to meet you": remember the sorrow in my eyes? Remember the painful sigh when the bartender told us that the mixer was over and the drinks were no longer half price? Remember how I added you on Facebook less than 10 minutes after meeting you? Well, that's because I add people in the hopes that an inflated friend count will inflate my self-worth.

Wait, that wasn't you. How do we know each other again?

Signed, Matt

Dear That Producer I Worked With Who Also Sold Drugs,

I'm writing you this note to say goodbye, that Producer I Worked With Who Also Sold Drugs. I will miss all those times when a small group of 18 year old boys came into your office and asked for "Shine", then, when you told them you were "Shine", you opened a giant box full of Marijuana and Magic Mushrooms, then told me to never say anything about this..."or else."

Remember the group gatherings? All those poker games you invited me to that ended up being 10 minutes of poker, 45 minutes of 30-somethings smoking Pot and ordering Cocaine, and another 20 minutes of said 30-somethings doing cocaine while discussing all the producing they'll be doing and all the great projects they're working on.

You're still the most professional guy in Hollywood. Signed,
 
Matt 

Dear Guy I See At A Party Every Once In A While,

I hope this note finds you well. I thought it would be important to tell you know that I will be missing you, whatshername, and that dog or maybe cat you showed me a picture of a few times.

It's always good to be around someone who enjoys eating carrots with hummus, talking in broad terms about one's professional life and someone that knows the right time to say "this is a great song" when something comes on the mix that they like.

My one regret is that I didn't go to your Housewarming party, which may have been an Apartment Warming Party, or an Apartment Painting Party. Either way,...sorry I missed it - just, you know, I was too busy contemplating taking my own life. Plus, it would have been super awkward.

Yours in the afterlife, Matt.