If Jews Ran The World:

Comedy post written for a Jewish blog. 

Big news out of the DNA community today! Syrians, Palestinians, and Lebanese share more DNA with Jews than they do with neighboring gentile populations. Talk about your self-hating Jews!
The theory is that most of them were Jews to begin with, but converted to Islam somewhere along the way. This doesn't actually come as a surprise to me. I mean, let's take Arafat for example. The man looked pretty freakin' Jewish - maybe a Jew who spent a little too much time in the Florida sun, but what Jew doesn't spend a little too much time in the Florida sun? 

(pic: Jasir-Arafat-1max.jpg)

Honestly, the guy could have been Jackie Mason's angry, comically hilarious headcover-wearing brother Shlomo.

(pic: 16824641.gif)

They've got to share similar schlumpy DNA, no? So where does it leave us?
0.2 percent of the world is Jewish. 19% is Islamic and 32% is Christian. That's 51%! Let's think about that for a second.

If Jews were 51% percent of the world's population, do you think we'd have such socio-political strife in the world? No.

Here are the 5 reasons why:

1) POPULAR AVAILABILITY OF PASTRAMI SANDWICHES: Have you ever been to the "2nd Avenue Deli" in New York? No? How about "Langer's" in Los Angeles? Not that one either? OK,

well here's a little Jew-insight...we like Pastrami sandwiches and have for thousands of years. Do you want to commit sectarian violence after eating one? No, you want to drink a Cel-Ray tonic and unbutton your pants.
 

If Jews ran the world, these delights would be available in McDonalds and Burger King and everyone would be too pacified by deliciousness to argue. 

As famed prophet George Costanza experienced - pastrami only makes life better. In fact, his girlfriend once said: "I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats." This is both true and delicious.

2) GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR: Jewish people are hilarious. Even if most of the time it's unintentionally. We're just funny. All the way from The Marx Brothers to Seth Rogen - Jews got the jokes.

Christians? Jeff Foxworthy. Go ahead. Try to laugh at him. If Jews were running the world, there would be too many awkward Larry David-esque exchanges to start a war. We're over-thinkers! We'd be too busy dissecting dinner portions and tip amounts. Who wants to start a war when you're exhausted after arguing about the societal costs of leaving a small tip for a waitress who never – I MEAN NEVER – refilled that damn water? We asked like 10 times!

3) DOCTORS AND LAWYERS: We've got your ass if you're sick. Have you ever been to a BAD Jewish doctor? Think back...when have you gone to a Jewish MD, and left thinking "boy, I really didn't recieve A+ service?” Sure, we might charge an arm and a leg, but at least we made sure that said extremities are still attached to your body.

As for Lawyers - who would be left to sue the Christian doctors who fucked you up? Not convicted murderer OJ Simpson's lawyers in 1994? Robert Shapiro, Alan Dershowitz. Convicted murderer Scott Peterson's lawyer? Mark Geragos.

Case closed. Go with Jews if you want to get away with murder. We're certainly getting away with murder with our hourly rate.

4) WE'RE GOOD WITH MONEY: OK, Do I need to even go further than this: 

Clinton's budget surplus under Jewish treasury secretary Robert Rubin? $127 billion
Bush's budget deficit under Christian treasury secretary Henry Paulson? $482 billion
 
We run the world and even starving African Children will be enjoying $14 Pastrami Sandwiches AND leaving a big tip for mediocre service. The world would be utopia. Goodbye, poverty!

5) WE AREN'T WHITE: Lest you be mistaken, Jews ain't white. We're not even close to being white. White people have a history of being Oppressors. Jews have a history of enjoying a good schmear on our bagel. Shit, we couldn't even do that in most places. We had to eat bagels in basements under a blanket while bleaching our hair strawberry blonde. Do you even know how often we've been oppressed? Check this out. 


Once every 100 years or so, 20% of us are murdered and kicked out of wherever we are. That's why we've been around for 3000 years, but we're only .2 percent of the world's population. 

This ain't about being religious. A lot of Jews are secular. In fact, we celebrate being secular.

Here are but a few Jewish "non-believers"
Albert Einstein
Sigmund Freud
Emma Goldman
Karl Marx
Woody Allen (one assumes)  
David Cronenberg
David Cross 
Stephen Jay Gould 
Theodor Herzl 
Mark Zuckerberg

The list goes on and on. What all this teaches us is that we've got good DNA - which means the

Syrians, Palestinians, and Lebanese do too. 

Maybe this world peace thing isn't so far off after all.