All Work and No Play Make Matt A Something Something

Someone Painted Me. Do you like it?

Alone I sat today. Pondering life and it's consequences. Thinking about roads I haven't taken, roads I have taken, and various other metaphoric roads that will in no doubt represent future decisions I may or may not take, but will consistently regret.

Needless to say, my internet was down, so my usual "scrabulous, wikipedia, youtube, porn" routine was jackhammeredly nixed.

I was forced to think, damnably! What did I think about:

1) if I washed 1 dish that's currently sitting in my sink a day, then the dishes would be done in 3,592 days. Is it normal for moose weevils to create habitats in filthy cutlery?
2) is it weird to use q-tips up your nose? is it weirder to find earwax in there?
3) if God is all-knowing, why can't he explain the popularity of Ed Hardy clothing?
4) are fish attracted to other fish? do they think "that's a pair of gills i'd like to shove my gonopodium in!" do they believe in life after death? is there a fish heaven? if not, where do all the guppies go when they die?
5) What is the purpose of upper cheek hair? ladies, next time you get up close to your man (or several men at once), examine his cheek hair. Note that with age, the area on a man's face where he must shave creeps up ever so slightly towards the eye. No longer do we craft the perfect beard-we must now also destroy the evil upper cheek "pubic 'stash" along the way.

I became enlightened. I thought things that no one else before me thought, then forgot to write them down, then tried to recount them to friends later, but totally didn't say it right and it made me look like a jackass.

I pondered my own death:

MATT is sitting on a chaise lounge at the peak of Mount Olympus, dressed in an ornate, flowing robe.

THREE PEASANT GIRLS are feeding him GRAPES.

Matt: Grapes!!! Damn these insolent grapes!!! Seedless, I demand, SEEDLESS!

Peasant 1: But they are seedless, sire!

Matt: Doth you don't know I know? Off to you, porcupine, and never return!

Peasant 2 (to Peasant 1): He means concubine.

Matt: Here me now, Peasant, I knowth whath I meanth! 'Tis the prickly concubine that be cute to the eyes and deadly to the touch!

Peasant 2: Yeah, you're actually just mixing up two different words. They kinda sound alike.

Matt: WRONG!

All the Peasants shake their head. Matt is wrong.

Matt: Wrongith? Blast Zeus! Why hath my various different Gods forsaken me?

ZEUS appears out of nowhere, wearing sunglasses and holding a boombox which is playing "Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money.

Zeus: Can you please stop calling me? I'm trying to fuck a swan.

The Peasants look AGHAST.

Zeus: Oh, you bitches never read Greek myths? I FUCK SWANS.

He disappears.

They look over to Matt, who stands on a ledge.

Matt: I guess this is where I die.

He looks up at the sky:

Matt: Afterlife or what?

The CLOUDS speak to him.

Clouds: Or What.

END SCENE