How To FANCY shit up (Fancy Names For Stupid Shit)

I started to write this blog a few weeks ago, in the fancy pants offices of my friend's dotcom company. (hi Avi!)

I forgot how humid and unbearable New York can be in the summer, still, I love it, like an autistic girlfriend or a whore that does anything for purified water.

Anyway, I was thinking about FANCY things (especially after eating a "arugula salad" (IE, some greens with onions)...for 18 dollars last night. All you have to do to make something fancy is change the "wording". Allow me to "guide" you with a guide...for guidance.

1) AIOLI: "Ohhhh, may I have some Aioli on my sandwich, waiter? It tastes so scrumptious! Let's let the maid out early this evening, my dear: I LOVE this aioli!" Hey, asshole, do you know what Aioli is? It's fucking Mayo with a little garlic in it. Yes, no matter how many fancy restaurants you order it in, or how many times your calamari is garnished with it, you might as well be spreading on the Hellman's.

30 Oz Jar of Mayo: $4.99
8.6 Oz Jar of "Gourmet" French Aioli: $8.99

2) SPARKLING WATER: You ever been to one of those fucking restaurants where they have a waiter assigned to you specifically for beverage service? The kind of place where they say "sparkling or flat?", and you say flat, and they still give you a $10 bottle of imported water, when you just needed some shit from the tap? Next time you're at one, watch their faces when you say "seltzer", because, guess what? Sparkling Water is fucking seltzer. Seltzer with exotic names. If they called Seltzer, Selzier (Selt-zeee-aaay), you could charge $10 an ounce. It's true, Jackie Mason said so.

Schweppes 20 OZ Seltzer: $1.25
Perrier 20 OZ "Sparkling Water": $2.00

3) ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT: "Hello, I'm an Administrative Assistant! May I file your papers, take your lunch orders and answer your calls? Just don't refer to me as a secretary. Why? Because I'll tell your wife about when you fingered me in the bathroom at the Christmas party."

Actually, they both get paid way less then they should.

4) THE FILM "SEMI-PRO": Will Ferrell? Sports movie? He's playing a character with an over-inflated ego? Where have I heard that before? "Blades Of Glory"...no, that's not it..."Talladega Nights"...I think it's "Kicking and Screaming". Shit, how the fuck do these movies keep getting made? Here's a premise for ya: Will Ferrell plays an over-the-hill baseball player who must coach little league in order to get back into the pros. Why doesn't he play anymore? Because of a horrible on-the-field injury where he lost one of his testicles. I'll call it "No Balls and Two Strikes: The Heroism of Johnny Slugger".

Dress that shit up anyway you want, it's still generic sports comedy #101 (and they're still kinda funny)

"Kicking and Screaming": 45mil budget/52.5 mil box office
"Blades of Glory": 61 mil budget/118.1 mil box office
"Talladega Nights": 72.5 mil budget/148.2 mil box office


Couldn't find the budget for "Semi-Pro", but I betcha it would make you cringe.

THEY KEEP GETTING MORE MONEY TO MAKE THESE FILMS!!! VOMIT!!!

5) SUSHI: Yes, I know...you love Sushi; so do I. I fucking love Sushi so much I make sweet, sweet love to it AND call it the next morning. I love Sushi so much that I would caress its naked seaweed and rice exterior and whisper gently into its ear "I want us to be like this forever". Still, it does not change one simple fact: Sushi is just a fancy-pants name for Raw Fish. Let's be honest with ourselves: Go sit down at a Japanese restaurant and the menu says "Raw Tuna with Fish Eggs on top"...would you buy it? No, you'd run the fuck out of there and report them to immigration. But...you give it a cutesy-pie Japanese name (soooo-sheee; might as well be called Cibo Matto) and there you go! Now it's "Spicy Tuna Roll With Crispy Roe Flakes". Mmmm...Delish! I wonder if it has Aioli in it!

Case of 12 "Chicken Of The Sea" Full Salmon: $20.28
6 Salmon Rolls (6 slices of Salmon with some rice): $6.00

Anyway, I don't know what else to say other than I probably sound like an old kvetcher right now. I wonder what I'm going to sound like when I'm old. A dead kvecher? A Dead-cher? That works for me.