Instant Karma! Messaging

I figure Instant Message is antiquated. Not "print media" antiquated (what's a "nooows....pppaypar"?), but considering IM's been around for going on 15 years now, it might as well be going to the Internet meme retirement home in Boca Raton along with the Dancing Baby and the Hampster Dance. By the way, why on earth did all mid-90's internet phenomena have to do with dancing?

My favorite IM story takes place on New Years 1996, when my close friend Rachel was grounded for some reason probably related to the fact she was a hard core riot grrl. Anyway, I cancelled my plans to go out, because I wanted to keep Rachel company via phone (you know, the little electronic things you use to text message your friends you're going to be 10 minutes late for drinks). Rachel and I talked from 10pm-6am.

Bored and 15, we decided to pull an "e-prank". We signed into an AOL sex chat room under the name "Peri" (I am such a nerd), and began to talk to guys. We never initiated conversations (about a million little boxes popped up when we signed in)...and we decided to talk to one dude specifically. What's funny is that we never said anything sexual at all; it went something like this:

GUY: Are you naked?

US: Yes.

GUY: Do you have big tits?

US: Yes.

GUY: Can I rub them?

US: Yes.

GUY: Uhhhhhhh....yeeaaaahhh...

Anyway, it went on like that for about 10 minutes before we could tell he was on his "way". This is where Riot Grrl anger and old fashion nerdy Jew pragmatism melded together to form the indefectible prank.

GUY: I'm about to cuuuummm...

US: How soon?

GUY: 5 sec...

US: Oh, by the way, I'm a 10 year old boy.

GUY: What? What the FUCK?

US: Yeah, we're two little boys.

GUY: FUCK YOU, YOU PIECES OF SHIT! I'm reporting you to AOL!!!!

US: What are you going to say "I had cyber sex with a 10 year old boy"?

He didn't respond after that. I know it sounds mean, but it was New Years and they were in the AOL "After Hours" chat...or whatever it was cleverly called: The dude deserved it.

Anyway, I still revel in my internet conversationalisms, but I rarely discuss anything more complex than my daily intake of whiskey, my daily crying or my daily intake of whiskey while crying.

Let me give you an "example" to "exemplify" my "example"...

Paul: would you sleep with a woman if she had an amazing personality and was just the nicest human being and had all the same tastes as you but she looked exactly like ben franklin
Matt: that's a good question
Paul: her voice is like his too
Paul: and she has a dick
Matt: ouch
Paul: but otherwise
Matt: then yes
Paul: she's a real catch
Matt: ben franklin had some noticeable cleavage
Paul: he was a freak
Paul: i really have a problem with george washington though
Paul: he seems like he was a huge dick
Matt: he takes out those wooden teeth
Matt: it's a smooth ride
Paul: wow i just looked up george washington on wikipedia
Paul: i don't know dick about this guy
Matt: what're you finding out
Paul: mostly boring shit about his military service
Paul: i wanted to see if he had ever had pizza
Paul: maybe i'll just add that fact
Matt: duh
Matt: pizza wasn't invented until italians brought it over on the slave ships in the 1940's
Paul: yeah but george washington had a time machine he stole from the indians
Paul: oh shit
Paul: apparently the iriqouis nicknamed george washington "town destroyer"
Paul: that's pretty hardcore
Matt: it's better than my iriqouis name: "dances with jew"
Matt: as you can see, i'm running dry with material
Paul: the jew jokes are evergreen matt, use them as much as possible

As you can see, I still have a Wilde meets Swiftian wit that shines through via electronic messaging.

Now, I'm off to drink to forget the fetid cornucopia of crapness that is this blog posting.