My "date" with Natalie Portman

I'll make this story brief, as it's quite painful, like getting wisdom teeth pulled or my life.

I made this friend my first few weeks of film school. He was this extremely Jewish, Long Island, born with 15 silver spoons in his mouth type guy. Being Jewish and from NYC, he probably mistook me as "one of us" and we hung out a bunch during my first few weeks of college.

One day I remember running into him at a school dining hall. He was feeling sick and asked me if I wanted to take his friend Natalie out to a movie. "Yeah, OK" I said, not quite realizing what I was agreeing to. He told me that she was seeing "Run, Lola Run" which is a pretty great movie...I had already seen it, but in the interest of making friends, I thought I'd just lie and say I hadn't.

I show up to the Film Forum, and run into this Argentinian girl, let's call her Liz, that I was friends with. Apparently, my Jewish friend had invited her along as well. That was OK (at the moment) because I was nervous to meet this mythical "Natalie".

I was talking to Liz when I noticed Natalie Portman walking in the door. This was right after Star Wars, so I was gobsmacked. I turned to Liz and said "that's Natalie Portman!!!"...straight from Argentina, Liz had no idea who that was.

Then, the bells started to ring in my head. "my friend Natalie"...could it be Natalie Portman?

That's when Natalie Portman came up to me.

"Are you Matt?"

My Jaw dropped. Like, literally dropped. This was one of the hottest Jews around (next to Schmenderson Steinberg; inventor of the "Condom that calls you back" ), and I was in awe.

"Yes...Matt am me".

That's when I noticed a big, muscley guy next to her..."of course! that must be her boyfriend! I have no chance!"

Liz, Natalie, Natalie's big man and I all scuttled into the theater. During the trailers, I noticed Ms. Portman smiling at me. "That's strange, won't her boyfriend mind?"

I remember two distinct interactions between the lovely Jewess and I.

Me: Did you know that 19% of the world's Jewish population lives in Long Island?
Natalie (giggling): That's not true!
Me: No way, I read it in a magazine!
Natalie: You're so silly.

The second interaction was subtle, but mouth-watering.

This was back in the day (I was 18!) and for some ungodly reason I wore sandals 12 months out of the year (even, occasionally, with socks). One of my sandal straps came unhitched.

Natalie bent over and restrapped it for me.

Me: Thanks!
Natalie (smiling): Sure.

Later on, when the film ended, Natalie invited me out. Convinced that I had no chance with her (the big, burly man must have been her boyfriend!) I said no thanks and went home. I figured it was OK, because I was definitely going to see her again; the guy that hooked this up was apparently her best friend.

Little did I know that I'd stop being friends with him about 2 weeks later.

It was only as Natalie was walking away that I thought that the big dude that was with her all evening was probably her bodyguard; he was a 40 year old, hugely muscled African American gentleman. For some reason, I was convinced they were dating, but in retrospect...probably not so much.

Anyway, I never ended up hanging out with her again, although I did run into her two years later...

She was sitting outside this soup joint on Astor Place with Phillip Seymour Hoffman. As I walked in, they were talking, but she stopped in the middle of her sentence to smile at me. I smiled back.

Instead of talking to her, I just walked in and got soup. Did I mention that I am a fucking brilliant person?

Most of my most retarded experiences happened during my freshman year of college. This is why I do not speak of them in polite company and to my kids (Matt Jr. and Shlomo). I will tell them that I was a Casanova and had machismo to spare. They must never know the truth.