My Writings: 10 Years Ago Edition

Here are some of the hilarious (errr) writings of my original blog from 1999-2001. Remember, this is the nescient work of an artist with a complex, beautiful oeuvre. Achem...

Your Parents Hate You, Wish You Were Never Born

DATELINE USA-A new study has just been released revealing that your parents hate you and wish you were never born. The study, conducted by the University of Miami, was written after extensive interviews with your parents. It concludes that 100% of your parents think you are "a total disappointment...that wasn't worth the price of the condom that broke during intercourse".

While there was agreement amongst your parents confirming your status as "a total loser", opinions differ as to why. Your Mother says, "The child never gives and always takes; like a vacuum. A fucking annoying vacuum." Your Father, on the other hand, takes a wildly different stance, "God. I can't afford shit anymore after paying that loser's way through college. And for what? I wish that fuck would just die so I could collect the insurance money".

Dr. Richard Dickson, who helped conduct the study says the results weren't totally unexpected, "After preliminary interviews with relatives and friends, it was a forgone conclusion that you are a piece of crap. The only thing left needed was the generous government funding". You could not be reached for comment because you were crying in a corner, you fucking pussy.

This one I actually shot and made into a TV-style sketch...the guy who played the pirate ended up being the main prankster on "punk'd"...

Here's most of it:

TWO HEADED PIRATE

(PHYLLIS walks into a restaurant, and is greeted by a HOST)

PHILYS. Hi, I’m meeting someone here. His name is Bob Foley. Is he here yet?

HOST. Yes, Mr. Foley? He is m’am. Ummm…just this way.

(she walks, and BOB is sitting, PHYLLIS gets closer, BOB has two heads, and also an eye patch, and is dressed as a pirate)

PHYLLIS. Hi Bob, I’m Phyllis, it’s good to meet you. (BOB gets up, revealing his disfigurement) Oh my god.

BOB. Hey, George told me all about you, I’m glad to finally see your face.

PHYLLIS. Like wise. I mean, faces, umm…I mean…nice to meet you.

BOB. Oh, you mean him? (pointing to his other head) That’s Bill. (whispering) He’s sleeping…I would introduce you, but he had a late night, and just between you and I, he’s a bit flaky. A burn out.

PHYLLIS.(confused, sitting down) Ahh…OK…um, so, Christ, you are hideous, I mean, (matter of fact) what do you for a living?

BOB. I’m an entertainment lawyer.

PHYLLIS. (excited) Really?

BOB. No, actually, I’m unemployed at the moment. That’s just a little college dropout humor.

PHYLLIS. (aside, sarcastic) What a catch.

FISHERMAN, with fish attached to pole walks by.

FISHERMAN. Thanks!

(exits)

PHYLLIS. So Bill…

BOB. (pointing to other head) That’s Bill…I’m Bob.

BILL begins to awaken

BILL. (in cockney accent) Did someone call me name?

BOB. Oh no, you woke him up. Bill, I’m on a date, go back to sleep.

BILL. Oh, OK, pal, Hey, she’s pretty hot…(to PHYLLIS) didn’t I bang you at a Richard Marx concert back in ‘89?

(waiter approaches)

PHYLLIS. (scared, but with interested curiosity) No, I don’t think so…Richard Marx sucks.

WAITER. Hey, I’m Richard Marx.

PHYLLIS. Sorry.

WAITER. I get it all the time. Are you ready to order?

BILL. Yeah, for an appetizer, I’d like a slice of ass, followed by a hot tuna spread. Haha!

BOB. Shut yr gib! (head butts BILL) What are your specials this evening?

WAITER. For a dinner tonight, we have lovely grape leaves, they’re Greek.

BOB. So is not bathing, unpronounceable names, and wanting to screw your mother, but I don’t want those either. I’ll just have the chicken.

PHYLLIS. I’ll just have a salad. (looking at BOB) And some beer…a lot of beer.

WAITER. I’ll make sure there isn’t too much head.

(exits)

PHYLLIS. Well, you’ve certainly got an interesting look to you, Bob…where are you from?

BOB. Well, I was born in Canada.

PHYLLIS. (to camera) That explains a lot.

BOB. But, I’m actually Romanian. Like the lettuce.

PHYLLIS. That’s romaine. Unless you were trying to be funny…

BOB. Oh. Right. No, I wasn’t trying anything…

PHYLLIS. (desperately looking for something to talk about) So, you said dropped out of college?

BOB. Yes, SUNY Purchase.

PHYLLIS. You dropped out of SUNY Purchase? I thought you had to be a drop out to be in that place.

BOB. Don’t worry, I’m still as sharp as a suspicious looking pencil.

(WAITER enters with beer)

WAITER. (singing) Hold on to the niiiights…here’s your beer.

EXITS

PHYLLIS. Thank GOD! (drinks a lot quickly) You know, I don’t think this is going to work out…

BOB. What!?! Is it my eye patch?

PHYLLIS. No…

BOB. It is, isn’t it? Oh, you’re just like all the others, calling me pirate, Mr. Crazy One Eye, (as a pirate) Argg, matey, where’d your other eye go, lose it on the seas? (normal) Well, if I want to adopt the look of an 18th century one-eyed pirate that I made up named Captain Magnificent, scourge of the seven seas, that’s just what I’ll do. I’m not standing for it, not here, not anymore, good day, madam!