Rabbi Moshe Bagelwitz and his Latin Piece Of Tallit

Rabbi Moshe Bagelwitz sat on his porch smoking a stinky, leafy cigar. He wasn't sure if this act defied the big man upstairs, but he didn't care what his landlord Mr. Popelofsky thought anyway; the man smelled like latkes and listened to the same Dave Matthews song over and over again. Moshe could never figure out why; Popelofsky didn't speak or understand English.

In reality, the landlord only owned 1 CD and had to blare it on repeat because of what he was doing to/with his helper monkey, Shlomo.

As Moshe puffed on his big Cohiba, he noticed a beautiful Hispanic woman walking across the street. "Wowie Zowie!" He stared her up and down while stroking his peyes - which was as close to masturbation as the Torah allowed.

He looked at her fingers: "No ring!", he jew-bulantly said to himself.

He straightened his Yarmulke and attempted to clear his throat; he hasn't tried anything this daring since the " '89 Preach-Offs: Jews VS Catholics - A Fight To The Death!", which was colloquially known as The Return Of The Kugel.

Before he knew it, he was standing in front of his Latin princess. She looked confused, which Moshe misinterpreted as aroused.

"Hey babe - Yom Kippur is coming up, care to be one of the sins I atone for?"
"Que?"
"Yeah, it's 'K with me too"
"Como?"

Obviously, he wasn't getting through to her. "What to do?", he pondered.

He tried to recall the pick-up lines of the one man who got the most ass of anyone he'd ever met: Father Patrick O'Flannery.

He took a deep breath, held her hand and stared into her eyes: "Would you like some candy? There's some at my house - we can watch cartoons too!"
"No habla Inglés"
She began to walk away, shaking her head and muttering "loco Jew".
Moshe got upset. "Just like all the others! She's an anti-Semite!"

He knew what he needed to do...so he clubbed her over the head.

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When she awoke, Maria Flores was shocked to discover she was standing at the pulpit of a Synagogue reading from a Torah under the watchful eye of about a thousand Jews.

Moshe stood next to her with teary eyes. He leaned over and spoke into the microphone.

"I would like to thank the Jewish community for coming out tonight. I see we're all here - Orthodox Jews"
"Shalom!" They exclaimed.
"Reform Jews"
"Yo, what up!"
"Black Jews"
"Ah salam Mulechem!"
"Orange Jews!"
He paused for laughter. None was forthcoming.

"We're here to celebrate the conversion of my new wife to Judaism!"
"Que?" She was very confused.
Moshe smiled, "Yes, it's 'K with me too!"
He hugged her and cried.
"She's no longer an anti-Semite; just a plain old self-hating Jew!"
The audience cheered!

Just then, the painful cries of a small monkey could be heard in the distance, causing the Jews to stop clapping. Just as quickly, "Crash Into Me" drowned the cries out, and the Jews began to dance.

They clapped and held hands and hoisted Maria up on a chair.

Within two months, Maria gained 100lbs, stopped having sex and began to tell Moshe that "if you listened to me, you'd be making more money!".

Moshe killed himself 2 days before Rosh Hashanah.

His suicide note, written in tears, simply said "Oy, I'm so meshugana"