The Perfect Woman

Plotzman was a generally sane man; he ate right, drank lots of water, and only burped on Tuesdays.

Lately, he had found himself extremely bored and boring; he talked and talked and talked and no one listened; not even himself. He began to have deep, existential questions; if there was a God, why was Lil Wayne so popular? Was that really dog in his General Tso's Chicken? Why are Avocados so expensive?

His parents were Theists. Not religious, mind you, but they just really liked the word "The". A renegade at heart, he rejected their restricting set of beliefs and refused to say "the". It made it difficult to talk to him, and therefore he had no friends, other then his sock puppet "Wiggles".

Wiggles and Plotzman had a love/hate relationship; Wiggles wanted to be real and Plotzman had puppet envy. Their conversations almost always ended in a circle jerk, which was strange because Wiggles was not anatomically correct.

It was in this overwhelming state of despair that Plotzman met Janey. She was beautiful, funny, goofy, articulate and had a really great body. Janey was also a faceyourmanga avatar. They met one late night on Stickam; Plotzman looking for some sort of human contact and Janey a banner ad. They immediately hit it off.

Talking for hours, they covered all the topics that Plotzman held dear; religion, science, comedy and music. Plotzman found Janey a compelling conversationalist: for hours and hours they spoke, he revealing all his innermost dreams and desires, and she repeating "SHOW OFF YOUR STYLE! CREATE YOUR OWN AVATAR".

It was instant attraction at first sight (or...actually, "site"). He'd never met anyone that sparked his interest like this before: Finally, an intellectual equal! How was he going to bridge their internet passion to real-world adult situations?

Well, damn it...for once in his life, Plotzman decided to be forward; he was going to flirt vaguely via private message and see if she reacted.

He went back to Stickam, but she wasn't there. He hit reload 100 times, but all he saw was AT&T, DirectTV and a midget alone in a dark room with a Giants hat on. Oh, and lots and lots of lonely, horny guys.

Suddenly his mind went to a dark place. What if someone else had found out how amazingly special she was and asked her out first? It was bound to happen, Plotzman. You're a fucking idiot, Plotzman! You're doomed to be alone forever and those warts on your dick won't go away unless you start using topical cream everyday.

Then...BAM! She finally appeared. Plotzman took a deep breath; AHHH...it was all in my head. She's totally here for me. She likes me too. Seeing she was online, he wrote her his coveted PRIVATE MESSAGE:

"Hey, I'm eatin' chicken. I love to eat cock!"

Before he could proof read, he hit "send". First he thought "maybe I'm being too forward"...then he realized that he WAS too forward and also came across as a flaming homosexual.

But, then the weirdest thing happened; Janey wrote back.

"Express
 yourself 
through
 your
 image 
and
 share 
it
 whoever 
you
 want. Enjoy 
yourself
 by 
discovering 
unlimited
 combinations
 to 
realize 
your
 virtual 
alter‐ego."

Nice! He thought. She's totally digging me! Let's turn the flirt dial up to 11 and see if she reacts!

"Would you like to come over to my place? I have some left-over chicken!"

She wrote back again:

"Face Your Manga is absolutely free and it doesn’t need any registration. Enjoy yourself by discovering unlimited combinations to realize your virtual alter-ego..
..I like Chick-Fli-A. Is it Chick-Fli-A?"

He didn't know what that meant or even if it was English, but he thought, hell, I'll lie...maybe it'll get her to like me better.

"Yes, it's Chick-Fli-A...come over and eat some!"

Nothing...not a response. Plotzman waited for hours and hours. He cried when he thought he'd never see her. He masturbated when he thought he might. He cried while masturbating when he wasn't sure.

But...she never showed up. Broken hearted...Plotzman went back on to Stickam to to try and find true love; and that's when he met the Esurance girl. Their romance was whirlwind; she saving the day by offering insurance to low-income 20 somethings and he writing poetry about his pink haired goddesses.

He still wanted Janey though and wished she was with him.

So what about Janey? No one has heard from her since...there are rumors going around that she was kidnapped by the FreeCreditReport.Com guy. He denies it, but it would explain his newest song "The FaceYourManga Avatar Chick Is Locked In My Basement Dungeon And Has Really Bad Credit".