My Application To Open Up a Deli

Dear Community Board 6,

This letter is to apply for a food and liquor license at 40523 Melrose Avenue in West Hollywood. We plan to open a deli-restaurant named "Jewsies" and serve big, delicious sandwiches, kosher wines and pastries. The location will not be secretly used to house middle-eastern sex-slaves.

Since we are near to so many nightclubs and bars, we believe it's important to stay open until 4am. We will adhere to all relevant noise pollution laws and have security to make sure that the community is kept safe. We will not, however, have a secret room where horny loners can pay a cross-eyed hooker named Shameer 10 dollars to give them hand relief.

The plans have been drawn up to have enough seating for 100 patrons. We would like to have outdoor space set aside to accommodate another 25. This is feasible because the sidewalk has a width of 12 feet, so with 6 feet of tables and chairs, there is more than enough room for pedestrians to pass by without disturbing community standards. Our location is large enough to house 125 people comfortably without being a fire hazard. In fact, there is enough additional room to fit 50 more people in our secret underground dungeon (provided they slept on the damp, cold floor), just to be safe.

We hope you consider our application and appreciate that "Jewsies" will be the perfect, family-friendly dining experience that our community needs. If you'd like to come by to check it out, please knock three times on the back entrance and say "swordwish" to our caretaker Mr. Saliva. He will show you around and not allow you to have free sex with our non-existent underage slaves.