Letter to 3:20 in the Morning

Dear 3:20am,

We need to talk. It's not you, it's me. We've been drifting apart.

I know we've had some really good times together: downloading pornography over the internet, watching British sitcoms on DVD, questioning whether or not I can bare to live the rest of my life without committing suicide; but I think it's time we "take a break".

It might not be permanent; who knows? Let's just tell our friends that we needed some "time apart". Maybe down the line, I'll go out to a party, stay out really late, and BAM! We'll see each other again. It's possible, right?

OK, I'll put all my cards on the table. I've been seeing someone else. 10am. Do you know her? She's a lot brighter than you, I feel much more alive with her, and frankly, I can still download porn anyway.

Don't you think we should be exploring our options? I'm still young and we've been seeing each other since I was a teenager. I mean, we were together pretty much every night in college...in fact, we were only apart when I was working those crazy hours on film shoots. You even followed me to Los Angeles. STOP STIFLING ME, YOU BITCH!

OK, I'll be even more honest. I never really had feelings for you: I only saw you because I'm an insomniac. The truth hurts, doesn't it? You know what else hurts? BEING WITH YOU ON A DAILY BASIS. YOU ARE DESTROYING MY SOUL, YOU WRETCHED HARPE!

I will look back on our time together with a fond reminiscence, but it's time we moved on. It'll be easier for you...trust me! There are plenty of other people looking for a time like you; sickly old people, lonely transients, the unemployable.

Good luck, and please don't respond. It'll be better for both of us.

Nakedly Fond,

~Matt.