HOT SEX ACTION

What causes war? Fundamental disagreements between cultures? The eternal struggle between Freedom fighters versus oppressors? Butter Battles? Well, I, for one, think hate and war is human nature.

We fight, we love, and we have sex. That's humanity for you; a bunch of stupid apes whose primary reason for being is to continue their race. More importantly, their culture. Their Way Of Life. Why did Nazis fight? After WW1, they began to feel contained; kept down. What did they do? With an overwhelming streak of nationalism, created an idle reverie where blond superheroes controlled the world and overtook every other culture. Or, at least, they hoped.

Terrorists? They're fucking pissed off that Westerners are setting up camp in their territory. Their way of life is at stake, so they need to blow a bunch of shit up to prove that they're for serial.

So, how do we end all wars? A lot more sex, sports, beer and sandwiches.

OK, you're a terrorist. Fucking infidels fucking up your shit again. All those cocksuckers coming around, killing your neighbors, taking your land; importing bootleg DVDs of "Big Momma's House 2: The Directors Cut (Now With More Fat Jokes!)".

You're strapping a big homemade bomb to your chest and getting ready to run into the American embassy to blow those fuckers to kingdom come. And you? 20 Virgins Awaiting Your Hot Jihad Action.

Just then, a beautiful girl comes in with a freshly made turkey sandwich. "OK" you think. "I'll take a break from this Jihad to eat something". Quick bite and you think: "Ooohh, Delish...Wait, gotta get back to the blowing stuff up".

Then what? The girl brings you an ice cold beer. "Fine, fine" you mumble to yourself; "Just one beer. Better sit down for this".

You start slurping and all of a sudden get a little tipsy. "Must concentrate...blow Jews up. Fucking Jews with their Jew...things".

Then you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. "Hey, I kinda look Jewish". You shake your head and continue sipping your beer. "Down it fast, then kill boom boom".

Your lady friend turns on soccer. "Oh right, the Palestine Mohammads are playing the Terhan Burkas at Jihad Bowl '08. I guess I'll just finish watching this". You sip your beer, take a bite of your sandwich and kick your shoes off. "I'll kill myself and a bunch of innocent passers-by AFTER the game".

Then, the lady slowly unzips your pants. "WAIT, this is immoral!" you cry out. Before you can grab your "beating stick", she's already made pubic contact with her mouth. Suddenly, you forget about the savage beating you were going to inflict upon her and think "actually; not so bad with this!".

After a few minutes, you're done, she's done, and you've called up a few friends to finish watching the game. When it's all over, all you can think about is the Plasma screen you want to buy and having another sandwich.

Kill myself? Blow shit up? No memory. Not a fucking thing. Life's too good for that shit.

If Hitler was getting some hot action in the 1930's do you think for a second he'd be all crazy with the hate killings and invading Poland? No, he'd be too busy at Oktoberfest with his decorative beer hat and getting under-the-table handjobs from Eva Braun. Instead he had one ball and a severe Oedipus thing going on.

One ball and a fucked up sex life = race hate.

Give Slobodan Milošević a tuna melt, two beers and a blow job. What would the Hague tribunal have charged him with? Being a fucking champ.

Robert Mugabe? Bobby would be kicking back on his motorboat, cat-calling drunk college girls vacationing at the Democratic Freedom State of Zimbabwe. "Ay, You, Big tits! Come 'ere and give Bob Mugab some sugar!"

Don't you think it's interesting that Mugabe spent his youth "mostly around priests". Yeah, that's a guy who's well adjusted sexually.

Let's not fool ourselves. All homosapiens want is some tasty food, room to relax and hot oral sex. If we all got that, the world would be a much better, safer place. People are too uptight and convince themselves that there's so much more to it all.

Sure, we each have our own individual pursuits, but when it comes down to it; sex, food and entertainment will solve all of the world's problems. Well, actually not all of the world's problems. I don't think anything will salvage primetime TV. Have you seen "The Big Bang Theory"?