Why do people try so hard to look like they aren't trying so hard? Why do people wear a uniform to announce what social stratum they are in? Why must we identify in groups rather than as individuals?
Why was everyone in the room wearing the same pair of glasses I was?
Maybe, to an outsider I was the faux uber-cool wannabe. Maybe it's not the identity, but the identifier? People who judge create groups of judged so they can scorn them.
Maybe hipsters aren't vacuous layabouts sucking their parents money dry while contributing nothing to society; maybe they're just misunderstood, thoughtful creatures who happen to have the same pair of glasses that I have.
I almost convince myself that, but then I see people who look like this:
Far be it from me to judge someone. I am generally regarded as a social pariah by social pariahs, and my hygiene has been colorfully referred to as "rampantly disgusting" by many a-hot bit of totty. That said, in the next few paragraphs, I'll be judging people.A Hipster (correct me if I'm wrong) is supposed to be some shoe-gazing pensive artist-type with a penchants for wincing; so since when did they become bullies?
I can give you a few bizarre examples of Hipster Hate (or, as I creatively refer to it, HH). I guess I don't know the secret hipster handshake, because I have been a victim of it more than once.
INT. PPOT SMOKE INFESTED BEDROOM AT A PARTY - NIGHT
MATT walks in and sees:
FEMALE HIPSTER (26), angular haircut, ridiculous amounts of beads around neck, clanky multicolored bracelets around arm.
MALE HIPSTER (28), tall, sickly skinny, ironically worn button down shirt and tie and off-green, not-exactly-tribal "band" tattoo around arm.
Matt: Oh, hey, just a' gettin my coat.
Female: Do you have coke?
Matt: Coat...coat.
Male: But do you have any coke?
Matt: No, I'm getting my coat.
Female: Is it a black one?
Male: Yeah, you seem like you'd wear black.
They laugh inanely.
Matt: Actually, it's sort of navy blueish.
Matt grabs his coat and begins to put it on.
Male: That's black, dude. "Mr. Black".
Female: Mr. Fucking Black!
Matt: OK, you two have a great night!
Male: If you see any coke, send it here!
Female: Coke!
They laugh hysterically.
Wow! The Coke/Coat pun sure had legs! I'm surprised George S Kaufman didn't include it in any of his Marx Brothers scripts. It's a shame that that hilarious verbal gem has been going unused for thousands of years when it could have been splitting sides from China to the Carolinas. The SHAME!
Here's my next example. It's exemplary.
INT. SILVERLAKE BAR - NIGHT.
MATT sips on a Blue Moon while humming along with "That's Not My Name" by the Ting Tings, which is playing on the jukebox.
A pale, slightly overweight Black-haired HIPSTER GIRL (24), looks at him, suspiciously. She's wearing a garishly striped sweater, and a neon scarf wrapped around her neck, even though it's 90 degrees out.
Hipster: Do you like the Ting Tings?
Matt: They're OK.
Hipster: What's your favorite Ting Tings song?
Matt: I guess "That's Not My Name", but I don't really know any other of their...
Hipster: "That's Not My Name"? Seriously? That's so commercial. Are you only into singles or something?
Matt: No, I just don't know any of their other songs...
Hipster: Oh whatever, I bet your favorite Radiohead song is "Creep" or something poserish like that.
Matt: I don't even like Radiohead all that much.
She rolls her eyes and walks away.
I guess I didn't pass the Hipster "Smell Test", which, based on my educated guess, is a rancid mixture of PBR, vegenaise and narcissism.
For a final word, let me pass along a friendly reader email that I got the other day:
I actually found you because I went on google and typed in
"why do young hipsters sleep on mattresses without bedframes?"
and yours was the first result to pop up. Brilliant : ) I posed this question after going home w/ a young hipster on NYE, and thinking to myself, being that his mother pays for his apartment off of 14th street in Manhattan, he should have proper furniture. No. Mattress on the floor like all the past boyfriends. WTF!?! Whhhhyyyyy??? Is it a familiarity thing? Is it because that's what they are used too? Or is it a health thing, I heard the Japanese sleep on the floor on bamboo mats.
However, I don't REALLY think that's the reason. It's a weird phenomenon. I guess you are right, it gives them hipster cred. Add to bat, he had the audacity to make out with me with those CRAZY glasses on...until I pointed it out to him. The nerve, lure me in w/ the crazy glasses, but that's enough : )
KUDOS MY FRIEND,
BB
Well, BB, keep at it and stop making out with guys in crazy hipster glasses; it's a bad habit, because you might end up with someone like me, and that will only and in tears or extreme boredom. Or both.
Posts
1 comment:
Hey at least the striped shirt chubby girl responded to you. One time when a mustachioed boy on a bike asked me what band I was currently listening to, and I said in all honesty "the Killers" he just glared at me through his coke bottles for all of about a second, didn't utter a word, and instantly turned to my left to ask the next guy in hopes of a more obscure response.
As for the whole mattress on the floor thing, I had to do it once after a break up, and the day I inherited a bed with a frame, I vowed to never go back. Its not cool, and not in the so not cool that its cool way either, it just sucks.
I don't like Radiohead that much either.
Post a Comment