Big Naked Germans

Well, I wrote this in 2001, so don't expect much artistic-merit wise, but it's still a good story. I believe I wrote it for a verbal presentation in a class, so it was written to be read out loud.

Well, I’m a racist. No, not against Blacks or Mexicans, I have too much guilt for that. There is one group of people who really piss me off, and I can safely say I hate just about every single last fucking one of them: Germans. Even worse, vacationing Germans. Allow me to elaborate:

OK, so I went to England two years ago on this spring break trip with three friends at college. We, being poor and retarded, decided to save our money and invest in a 12 person room at a hostel.

Now, there isn’t anything inherently wrong with this, they were co-ed, so the chance of foreign sex was high. I mean, there isn’t really anything better then having sex with someone who doesn’t speak English, because I don’t have to say things like “that’s never happened before”, “I swear I had a condom on when we started” or “those are just big pimples” but that’s besides the point.

For the first few nights, everything was going pretty well, we saw the best that London had to offer: Photos at Big Ben, Service at Westminster Abbey, Deep Sobbing at the Doctor Who Store. And we slept relatively well with our 8 strangers/roommates...

But then: The German National Rowing Team came (I'm serious). It was like a flash: bam! One night we came back and they basically squatted the entire 12 bed room: they stole two of my friends' beds, who were now forced to sleep on the floor.

We tried to talk to the management, but the only guy there was Swedish, and really, what was he going to do, make cheese, go skiing? No, obviously, he remained neutral and refused to confront the ever-approaching German attack. I was lucky enough to lay a large bag on my bed, so they couldn’t take my space. But they were getting closer.

Anyways, it had been a long day and we had to get up at 6 to catch a plane back to the USA. Now, despite a checkered past between my people and theirs, I was willing to give them a shot. I was wrong. The moment I lay in bed and put on my headphones I heard a faint feminine cry:

“oh, shvitza, shvitza!!!”

I looked over to my friend's bunk bed and what should I see but a large-breasted German woman bouncing up and down moaning sweet shvitza’s in one of the rowing team member’s ears. And I do mean member. She was definitely having a go at it, bouncing powerfully off his hips while he was like a robot or a Kraftwork song (I do the robot)

I am German Sex Manbot.

I looked down to observe my roommate, who was lying on the bottom bunk, only to see him tearing and shaking much like an abused puppy. I knew I had to say something. My people had held back in the past and looked what happened to them. I was envisioning being tattooed, beaten and forced to listen to techno while separated from my children.

No, I had to stand up for myself and my people. So I made a loud COUGHING sound. Yes, a cough; the universal sign of "stop you bastards, I can hear you". No language barrier could prevent this message coming through.

Well I was wrong. It just got louder.

"Shvitza! Shvitza!"

Ever rapidly!

"Shvitza! Shvitza!"

"I am German Techno Robot"

"Yes Yes!!!!"

All the while, I’m coughing louder and louder until I was choking on my own phlegm. But to no avail, for when I heard the German man say: “aveedazen” I knew it was over.

Then silence, with the exception of the quiet whimpering of my roommate. The woman jumped up out of bed, boobs and all, did a victory lap around the room and tossed a used condom into something that looked like a waste paper bag, but was actually my grandfather’s bag which contained my clothes for the next day.

As I awoke an hour later, a ballpark frank sized German shlong was in my face. Apparently Germans aren’t modest, which I kind of all ready knew, and one of them was changing in front of me. Despite humiliation and the dirtying of my clothes and heritage, I still had piece of mind, and pride, for when they went to breakfast, I peed in one of their suit cases.

That’s why I hate Germans.

it's all true! except me enacting any sort of revenge. I'm a wimp!