Goodbye Cruel World

Rachel Slotberg came out of her depression just in time to get depressed again.

This time it was different, however. She was usually just morbidly depressed, but now she was in a macabre-like gloom. The cloud over her head was a darker gray; her poetry began to use phrases like "unending punishment of being alive in a Godless, pain-filled universe" instead of the usual "me sad!".

She hadn't gotten out of bed for three weeks and her boyfriend, Steven Eydie, was beginning to grow concerned. She hadn't been happy since March 12th, 2008, which, coincidentally, was the day after their first date. Come to think of it, she was pretty miserable on their first date too, but who could tell? She was too busy vomiting naked on the floor of his bathroom.

"What's wrong?" He brought her favorite; a breakfast in bed of a ham and bacon omelette with a side of prosciutto. It was strange to him, because she didn't eat pork, but she asked for it everyday. Unbeknownst to him, she was playing a cruel existential game with her imaginary pig friend, Mr. Oinkers. It got brutal.

"I won't answer you unless you tell me three things wrong with my appearence." She frequently wouldn't answer a question unless insulted beforehand.

"Oh right, sorry; your breath smells like garlic and salty vagina, your face is slightly bigger than it should be and your taste in clothing is clichéd and hipstery".

"Thanks", a brief, crinkly smile played about her face. "There's nothing wrong; the question you should be asking is what's right? The answer is nothing. Except the first season of 'Flight Of The Conchords'...that shit is funny".

This was too much for him; her depression made him depressed, which in turn made her more depressed, which in turn made their kitten, Floppycakes commit suicide last month by drug overdose.

Turns out you can get really fucked up by sticking catnip up your ass; but Floppycakes was a veteran and knew how much was too much. Her suicide note simply read " ", which is nothing because she was a cat and couldn't write.

Anyway, things were getting a little too much for old Steven Eydie. He didn't sign up for this. In fact the contract that he signed when they started dating only stipulated "No Anal Sex" and something about owning his "chest hair in perpetuity".

He decided it was time to have a serious conversation with Rachel.

"Rachel, I'm sick of this! If I have to masturbate in the bathroom one more time to drown out the sounds of your violent sobbing, I think I'll go crazy!"

"If you could have sex with a tranny or a gay man, which would you choose?" it was obvious to him she wasn't listening.

"I suppose if the tranny was pretty...HEY, let's stay on topic here...we need to talk about what's going on."

"Listen, let's just be honest with each other; life is meaningless. We try and try and try to find a reason; a salient significance; but in the end, fate is fallacy. We are just little unimportant nothings waiting out our lives while distracting ourselves with trifles like work, friends and money".

This got Steven mad; "this is exactly the problem. Isn't life just what you make it; you have to find meaning yourself?"

"No, it's meaningless. Things don't matter".

"What proof do you have that there's no meaning to life?"

That's when Rachel opened up her laptop and showed Steven "Star-Ving" the new webseries written and starring former "Married...with Children" star David Faustino.

After 7 minutes and 45 seconds of watching it, both Steven and Rachel agreed that life had no meaning. They were found dead three days later; "Star-Ving" episode 2, featuring Gilbert Gottfried on infinite repeat.

Star-ving Ep 2 feat Gilbert Gottfried


Their suicide note read "Nietzsche was right: 'Glance into the world just as though time were gone: and everything crooked will become straight to you'; maybe web comedy will make sense to us now. Goodbye cruel world...