Voices in My Head

Brian Wilson (pop genius Beach Boys songwriter) hears at least three voices in his head: Phil Spector, his father Murray and...well actually I can't remember the third one, I read an interview with him last night and apparently my memory has a 20 hour rule.

The voices tell him that he's awful and untalented, and they also tell him to kill himself. Sounds like a dinner with my family.

I bring this up because I'd also like to have voices in my head, but voices saying "hey, you're amazing, superstar" or "you know, for a neurotic outsider with an inferiority and superiority complex, you ain't so bad". Perhaps voices that recount famous episodes of "The Simpsons". I'd love to have the Monorail one going on all day long: "I call the big one bitey!".

So here is a list of people I'd like to have rambling in my head, preferably not telling me to kill myself:

1) Groucho Marx: It would be worth a lifetime of zingers to be able to have the "Elephant In My Pajamas" speech at my disposal. Of course, knowing me, he'd probably just perform shit from "The Big Store" or something.


2) Tupac: I would love to become more familiar that fabulous Gangster patois; plus we both agree that "life goes on...and [then] we up out this bitch". Drawback: he'd be banging bitches all night long and keeping me up.





3) John Cleese: no real reason other then I think listening to him would make me sound a lot more proper and thereby make me a hit at all the fancy soirées I go to. Yes, I go to a lot of soirées, AND Yes, I have a lot of friends AND Yes, I don't find every minute that I limp painfully through life torturous.



4) God: If only to get him to explain some things. Seriously, why do we sneeze? Is John McCain an automaton robot programmed to give "thumbs up" every 15 minutes? Also, why am I turned on by watching the Outdoor Life Network?


Well, now that I've gotten a "Real World"-esque group of thugs, deities, and elderly (or dead!) comedians hanging about in my head, it's time to throw a party. Well, not really a party, more like me alone in a small, dark room hearing a bunch of voices and drinking shit brand whiskey to get them to say "nice things" about me. Must...kill...pain...

Random fact: Drinking Prickly Pear Juice five hours before drinking booze will prevent hang-overs.

Also, I have heard that people who are left-handed have a shorter life span...so I better start hearing those voices soon.