Aloha nui means goodbye...

He played the player piano with grace.

With his eyes closed he could almost rule the world. He sang songs of loss, love and laconic lessons. He wasn't sure what "laconic lessons" were, but he was a fan of alliterative prose.

She walked in; already in the middle of a sentence about the fallacy of the human condition: she, as she eloquently put it, was a frying pantheist; a believer that only cooking utensils and inanimate objects went to Heaven.

He was of the belief that if you pretended hard enough, it would exist; therefore Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and a Unified Democratic Party were all lurking about in the real world.

They began to make wild, passionate love. All he could think about was Darryl Strawberry hitting a home run during the '86 play offs. This was his way of not ejaculating quickly. Unfortunately, after Strawberry, his thoughts went to balls...and it was all over too soon.

They lay together in bed for a few minutes; wondering if this was the last time they'd lay in bed together for a few minutes. Their relationship was tumultuous; he frequently cried during sex and she frequently gave him venereal diseases. Not the bad kind, the kind that made you smarter. What, you haven't heard of "Smart-philis"? He fucked her to boost his IQ and she fucked him because her father was a rabid Jew hater.

Their difference proved to be too much though and this was the time they knew it had to end.

She looked at him:

"This is the last time we'll have sex, you know"

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I'm looking for something more; someone who wants to talk aimlessly about sports and slap me on the behind as we have unemotional, passionless sex!"

"You're getting married?"

"Yes"

Three weeks later, she was married at the 3rd United Church of Jeebus. He sat in the back, planning his next move.

His next moved proved to be sitting on his couch and eating potato chips while crying. He knew he wanted something similar, so he put an ad in Craig's List:

"Looking for someone to spend the next 50-60 Years With; Must be open to arguing about the division of household labor, complaining about the things that make me unique, and gaining 20 pounds within the first year of dating."

He had over 3000 applicants. Not one to make a decision, he killed himself instead. It seemed a faster way to achieve the same goal.