WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD...

Finding out that you're the worst person in the world isn't as bad as it seems.

Sure, you're a vicious fiend, hell bent on making life awful for all those around you, but at least you're the best at something. Who else can say that about themselves? Tiger Woods? Those two fat guys on motorcycles (best at being fat on a motorcycles?)
Well, the day I found out I was the worst person in the world was the BEST day for me. I had accomplished something.

Take that, doubting public! Matty has conquered something aside from that bottle of cheap whiskey!

Sure, I haven't conquered my career goals, maintaining basic hygiene, or my fear of Belgians; but there's always a first step. A first, depressingly morbid step.

You see, it's hard being a terrible person; it takes a ton of work. Take yesterday for example:

I used the phrase "dumb Mexican", while negatively referring to an old stereotype. Did my Mexican housekeeper hear the part about it being a "stupid old stereotype"? No. Did she hear "just another dumb Mexican"? Yes.

Worst person am I!

Last month, I was on a shoot with a gay PA (production assistant). I used the phrase "gay" to refer to something "lame". Immediately struck by neurotic guilt, I apologized to the PA in front of the 15 person crew.

"So sorry Bill! I'm not trying to insult gays...hope I didn't insult you!"

How was I supposed to know he's in the closet?

WORST EVER!!!

Or, let's take a magical journey back to 2002 when I was working as a barback in my brother's bar. Carrying some ice to the bar in a big tray, an African-American gentleman reached in, and tried to grab some ice.

"You can't do that, it's unhygienic" Said I.
He got indignant: "You don't want my black germs? You afraid I might turn your white women black?"
"No, it's just that customers aren't allowed to grab ice from the trays".
"You touch it."
"Yeah, I work here."
"So it's OK for a white boy to touch it, but black people can't work here?"
"Huh?"
"RACIST!!!"

I'm not sure I understand that one, but I'm also pretty sure it ties in to me being awful.

SO, these little things that you say, which are completely unrepresentative of who you are, define you. They are little, meaningless snippets that people use to assume big, meaningful things about you.

Why?

Because it's much easier making a snap judgment than a nuanced, informed opinion; just ask the American voter circa 2004.

IF:

a) GOD IS DEAD
b) GOD WAS NEVER ALIVE TO BE DEAD
c) GOD EXISTS AND IS ALL POWERFUL

THEN:

a) YOU'RE FUCKED
b) YOU'RE FUCKED
c) YOU'RE FUCKED

So let people think you're awful, say stupid things, be super awkward; the only judge that matters is yourself.