Irritating, Vacuous and Offensive

After he signed the Devil's contract Jack had a slight twinge run down his spine. Perhaps he shouldn't have done that. "Soul For All Eternity"? That sounds like a long time.

"Fuck it", he thought to himself. "I want to be a successful-type Hollywood guy; this is the only way it's going to happen, even if the Devil fucks me over with one of his patented 'Evil Twists'".

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them, he was sitting in the office of Shlomo Steinberg, the #1 agent at CAA. Chomping hard on a big stogey, Shlomo looked at Jack with awe.

"This is seriously the worst fucking script I've ever read. You've removed every semblance of heart, personality and intellect".

Jack sighed. Maybe this is the Devil's evil twist. He knew it must be coming.

Shlomo continued "...welcome to Hollywood, my boy. This is almost as impressively bad as Paul Blart: Mall Cop. You're a fucking genius. We'll fast track this sucker for a summer release".

"Shweet!" Jack exclaimed.

"Shweet!" Jack exclaimed later that day when the blond spray-tanned plastic person yanked softly upon his dangly nether regions.

As he climaxed, the plastic person pulled down her pants and showed off an impressively erect wang. "I fuck screenwriters", she said. "I also have a penis".

Jack sighed. This must be the Devil's evil twist...it was bound to happen.

That's when he got a great big look at the Tranny's wang. "Wow!", he thought to himself. "I guess I'm gay, because I'm in penile-love!". That's when Jack realized he was unbelievably gay.

"This isn't so bad, except for the rectal stretch marks".

"This isn't so bad, except for the rectal stretch marks". Jack's actor said the line perfectly. It's a new-millennium catch phrase; irritating, vacuous and offensive. The film, "Irritating, Vacuous and Offensive" was a fart-riot-a-thon which debuted at #1. Jack had finally made it.

Or did he?

In the back of his mind, he knew it wasn't that easy. The Devil twists and turns like a twisty turny thing, and there was sure to be some sort of backfire. But what?

"Maybe I'm just being paranoid. After all, I did just start a raging coke habit to keep up with my friends in the business. 'Friends'? Fuck that, competitors. If they get a job, I don't; so even though we might talk politely at parties; discussing vaginas, oral herpes and ways of acquiring cocaine; they aren't my friends, but my friemies". He took a toot and tore up a torn tee.

Naked, he made love to his tranny high on cocaine while thinking about what he was going to write next. "A Group of Teens Have 2 Days to Lose Their Virginity, Or Terrorists Will Blow Up The White House; I'll Call It Sexxorist".

He realized that that was the worst idea in the history of ideas; even worse than The Turd Twister, which allows you to make shapes out of your poop. He also realized that the film would be made, probably starring J.K. Simmons as the stodgy, but lovable high school principal.

He thought hard to himself; "do I have any good ideas? OK...think...A Blind Policeman has to team up with a Deaf Musician to...FUCK!!! I have no good ideas. Maybe I'll call a friend and talk about this. Oh, wait, I don't have any friends, just frienemies. FUCK!!!!".

Looking in the mirror, he realized that the Devil's Twist was that he had no creative talent whatsoever and treated all his friends like they're your enemies. That was the only way to make it. Blast!

Later that night, Jack killed himself because spending the rest of eternity in Hell was way better then spending 15 minutes at a Hollywood party.