humorous 2001 ramblings circa 2009

At some point during college, I had another "web log", which I wouldn't classify as a blog because is was so morbidly under-updated; but I certainly wrote as much uninteresting crap there as I write here.

Feeling completely uninspired tonight, I'll cut-and-paste bits and pieces of my 2001 AOL HOMETOWN web blog here, for your unenjoyment. This was right after I discovered The Onion, which has since become a national phenomenon, or at least something that's good for a quick, short larf amongst college-age stoners.

THIS JUST IN: Amazon.com User Writes Devastating Review Of Guns N Roses Album

PENNINGTON, NJ- On or about January 22, Pennington area native "BonJovi 1986" wrote a devastating review of the Guns N Roses album "Appetite for Destruction" on Amazon.com, the online store with "The Earth's Biggest Selection". Typing in all capital letters to underscore the urgency and anger of his review, Mr. 1986 writes, "IDOITS WHO LISTAN TO THIS GLAM GARBAGE ARE JUST STUPID. AXL SOUNDS LIKE SREECHING TIGER WHO SUCKS". He continued on saying, "IF YOU WANT TO HERE REAL MUSIC LISTEN TO 'SLIPPERY WHEN WET". BON JOVI RULES/!!.1!" When contacted at his second floor studio apartment over the local Hooters, the reviewer clarified his position, "Hopefully, one day I shall climb the Amazon.com hierarchy, and rise up to become one of the top 1000 reviewers. Once that happens I can gain the respect and admiration that I deserve and people will finally understand that GNR sucks ass, and Bon Jovi totally rules". Guns N Roses management could not be reached at press time.

Your Parents Hate You, Wish You Were Never Born

DATELINE USA-A new study has just been released revealing that your parents hate you and wish you were never born. The study, conducted by the University of Miami, was written after extensive interviews with your parents. It concludes that 100% of your parents think you are "a total disappointment...that wasn't worth the price of the condom that broke during intercourse". While there was agreement amongst your parents confirming your status as "a total loser", opinions differ as to why. Your Mother says, "The child never gives and always takes; like a vacuum. A fucking annoying vacuum." Your Father, on the other hand, takes a wildly different stance, "God. I can't afford shit anymore after paying that loser's way through college. And for what? I wish that fuck would just die so I could collect the insurance money". Dr. Richard Dickson, who helped conduct the study says the results weren't totally unexpected, "After preliminary interviews with relatives and friends, it was a forgone conclusion that you are a piece of crap. The only thing left needed was the generous government funding". You could not be reached for comment because you were crying in a corner, you fucking pussy.

Top Story: Baby Born Addicted to Crack, Unprotected Sex

QUEENS, NY- In a story that's becoming all-too common nowadays, Jessica Sharpe was born last week addicted to both crack and unprotected sex. Her mother, 17 year old crack whore Melissa Sharpe was "shocked" at the revelation. "That's total fuckin' bullshit", Sharpe said, "my baby ain't addicted to fucking nothing". When pointed to the physical evidence and her apparent double negative, Sharpe responded, "Well, she probably got it from her fucking father, whoever that is". She continued, "Now, where's my fucking thong? I gotta get back on the street before Vinnie finds out". When asked to clarify her statement, Sharpe replied, "Do you have any? I'll give you a BJ. I suck a good cock. C'mon man, I just need a taste". The only known cure for these addictions is a regiment of hard baby fucking and IV crack. "It'll be a long, arduous process" Dr Henry Stein of Queens Medical says, "but it'll eventually cure the baby of her addictions, at least until the age of 14".

Manic Depressive Sadomasochist Masturbates, Cries, Then Masturbates While Crying

Depressed Philosophy Major Ponders Existence Of Self, Acne

HAHAHAHAHAH

or actually,

BOOOOOO, that sucks...

Yeah, that one.

Well, what do you expect, I was 20. I would also sit around my dorm room writing poetry about despair or Bergman movies or something....