I can't take the way he sings, but I love to hear him talk...

This literally happened to me at a pitch 2 years ago.

INT. OFFICE - DAY
A small, messy office that belongs to:

DAVID (25), who thinks it's the biggest office anyone has ever had. Tired eyes and highly distracted demeanor are his two biggest attributes...sits at his desk, staring at:

MATT (25), quiet, unassuming, yet powerfully intense.

This moment is clearly a MEXICAN STANDOFF. They stare at each other in silence.

MATT
I just think it's been done before, I mean, that
other show you produced was exactly the same.

He's not listening or looking directly at Matt.

DAVID
Mmmhmm...

MATT
I mean, we could make it work, I guess, I'm just
concerned that...

DAVID
I was thinking of making it more inviting. What do you
think I should do?

MATT
What?

DAVID
My office.

MATT
I don't know. Maybe move your desk around so you can face
people while...

David starts to TEXT MESSAGE on his cell phone.

MATT (CONT'D)
...you talk to them. Anyways...

DAVID
Hold on.

He LAUGHS.

MATT
I was just saying, I'm not sure if we should go in that direction,
I think if we avoid cliches and really try to make something
dynamic, it will set the show apart from every other similar one out there.

DAVID
Yes, I see what you're saying.

No he doesn't.

DAVID (CONT'D)
I have a question for you.

MATT
Yes?

DAVID
I had this guy make me a flash file and I want to know
what the quickest way to import...

He interrupts himself.

DAVID (CONT'D)
Do you think if someone's last name is Brown, he's black?

MATT
Huh?

He looks at David.

MATT (CONT'D)
No, I mean, I have a friend with the last name Brown
and he's not black.

David looks DOWN and stops talking.

For...
A...
Long...
Time...

DAVID
What?

MATT
I said, I have a friend with the last name Brown
and he's not black.

DAVID
Good.

Matt really has no idea what's going on.

DAVID (CONT'D)
So you think beanbags is the way to go?

MATT
It could be nice.

DAVID
How do I record sound onto flash?

MATT
I really don't know, I've never worked in flash.

David looks UPSET.

DAVID
You've never worked in flash? You're an idiot, Matt.

MATT
What?

DAVID
I am joking.

MATT
OK, because I was wondering.

He STARTS TEXTING AGAIN.

MATT (CONT'D)
I think you could probably record the sounds on a camera and
import them on to your computer through fire-wire.

DAVID
I don't want to go that far.

MATT
Well, I guess you could record on garage band and use the
computer's internal microphone.

DAVID
I want to do more then that.

MATT
Well, I don't know then.

DAVID
What was the first one again?

MATT
Recording the sounds on a camera and...

DAVID
You direct music videos right?

MATT
Yes.

DAVID
Do you want to direct a music video for my band?

MATT
You have a band?

He SMILES and shakes his head, as if saying 'DUH'.

DAVID
No.

MATT
But you want me to direct a music video for your band.

DAVID
You don't understand. I wrote some lyrics.

He pulls a CRUMPLED, MESSY piece of paper off his wall.

UNREADABLE SCRIBBLE is strewn across the page.

DAVID (CONT'D)
How long do you think it would take to make a
music video for that?

MATT
Is this a song?

DAVID
It's about a fat guy. He likes to eat. Do you think we can
shoot it this weekend?

MATT
You mean tomorrow?

DAVID
Yes.

MATT
Well, I mean, you could probably hire a musician to
write music to the lyrics.

DAVID
Oh, I don't want to use those lyrics. How fast could
we get this done?

MATT
I mean, a musician could write a song in like a
few hours, probably.

DAVID
Do you think we could make the music video
without a song?

MATT
I mean, I think you need a song to make a music video.
But, I guess if you just want to shoot a fat guy eating,
it could be done.

DAVID
No, didn't you hear what I said? I want to change the lyrics.

MATT
OK, well, I mean, if you wanted to shoot something
tomorrow, I guess...

DAVID
This is very important to me, I used to be fat.

MATT
Me too.

David SMILES.

DAVID
No you weren't.

MATT
Yes I was.

He's ANGRY LOOKING now.

DAVID
No, you weren't.

MATT
So listen, about the show, I really think that it could connect
to audiences if we had viewer feedback, you know, so people
could respond to it, feel like a part of the show.

DAVID
I'm not a fan.

MATT
Are you sure? I think it's a pretty good idea.

DAVID
Is there anyway we could do that, but not do that?
Do you know what I mean?

MATT
Maybe you could explain?

DAVID
I like the viewer feedback part.

MATT
OK...

DAVID
I just, you know, we don't have to get it right the first time.

MATT
Sure, OK.

DAVID
I think you're on to something.

MATT
So should I continue writing it with the viewer feedback in mind?

DAVID
We're talking creative now, I think the important thing is to
talk practical. We can worry about the creative stuff later.

MATT
But you told me last time you wanted the script tomorrow.
This is why we're meeting.

David stares ahead BLANKLY.

He GETS a TEXT and shows it to Matt.

DAVID
See this?

The TEXT SAYS 'LOVE TO HELP, BUT WE'RE BEING ACQUIRED BY VIACOM'.

MATT
OK.

DAVID
They're being acquired by Viacom. My boss is trying to work with them.

MATT
Sounds good.

DAVID
OK, so I have to go. I think that ironed everything out. Looking
forward to working with you.

MATT
OK.

DAVID
I really want to do this video.

MATT
Well, I mean, we could shoot it this weekend.
I know some musicians if you want me to contact them...

DAVID
No musicians. No music. Just a music video.

MATT
Ok.

DAVID
I need to go.

He walks out of his own office, leaving Matt ALONE and CONFUSED.


Despite this grim portent, I ended up working with this guy for over a year. Oh, it was a grim portent, indeed, but it sure was creative fodder. Or was it creative fertilizer? Either way, I smelled a lot of poop.