The Hipster Count

1 Hipster: A Williamsburg iPod DJ Who Spins Every 3rd Tuesday

2 Hipsters: Ironic Electro-Funk Duo

3 Hipsters: Comedy Troupe "Benign Hilarity"

4 Hipsters: Those Guys Who Hang Out At The 24 Hour Diner Who Might Be A Band, But Are Really 4 Douchebags With Long Hair and Mustaches.

5 Hipsters: The End Of Western Civilization

Top 10 Excuses To Why You Didn't Respond To My IM

Thanks Nkechi for suggesting this.

First three by her:

1) "sorry, I just feel asleep...so tired!"
2) "sorry someone is knocking on my door...I think he's bleeding. no offense. ttyl"
3) "I have to go...ummm...nothing came up...you just suck."

4) "I've reported your last message to international authorities. You should be ashamed of yourself and what you did to that monkey"
5) "Sorry, not paying attention to you because I hate Jews"
6) "I'm uncomfortable watching you jerking off to that picture of me in a bikini on flickr"
7) "I'm not responding until you admit you were the one that made my privates itch"
8) "OMG; BFF! IMNECTHO, UR PWNED! FTW :)"
9) "Next time don't Twitter 'looking for booty call; talking to ugly bitch on IM'"
10) "Can't type; hands are covered in jizm and moisturizing cream"

Now one by Nikki:

11) "sorry, but after turning on my webcam i was inundated with ims from cuter boys and yours just got (conveniently) lost in a sea of cyber sex offers. i'm so popular, lolz!"

Good one!

WHAT ARE YOURSES?

Matt's The Art Of Flirting

"Boy Matt, How Are You So Successful With The Ladies?"
"Matt, I Notice All The Women Staring At You. How Do You Do It?"
"Sir, Would You Please Stop Fondling My Underthings?"

These are questions I get every single day.

How am I so popular? Let me "tip" you some tips on how to pick up on the lady-types.

1) Awkwardly Compliment Them: Nothing says "I'm an Lothario" like awkward compliments. Try saying something like "That's a really cool lower back tattoo. Not that I was staring. I mean, I was, but not in a weird way. I'm going to leave you alone now".
2) Never Make Eye Contact: Looking at a girl in the face is a mistake. Whenever you address them, look at the floor, towards other women in the area, or, if possible, at their chest. Nothing says sexy like feeling so insecure about yourself that you're unable to look in their general direction.
3) Don't Let Them Know You Like Them: If you can, try and make it seem like you have no interest in them whatsoever. Do they want to "go back to your place to watch TV?", then tell them that your cable is out. Sure, when you realize an hour later that they actually wanted to have sex with you and you blew your only chance, you'll feel like an ass; but at least you'll have piece of mind (which is better than piece of ass, mind you)

Let's "play" a little play to show you what to do in a difficult situation:

You are alone at home and it's 11:30 at night. You've just received the following text message from Hot Lady Friend (HLF)

I have mozzarella sticks to give you. May I come over? LOL OMFG WINK

Thinking to yourself that you're not actually hungry, but you like mozzarella sticks, you say "OK"

Let's take the scene from there.

She knocks on the door.

You: Hello "HLF".

She hands you the mozzarella sticks.

HLF: Hope you like them.

You take a bite and realize they are lukewarm. You grimace.

HLF: Oh, is something wrong?

You: Nothing.

HLF: That's good...

You: I mean, it's just that they're lukewarm. I guess I can microwave them.

She stares at you for a second and bites her lip, suggestively.

You: So, today was really temperate, wasn't it?

She gazes deeply in your eyes, and you look down.

REMEMBER, NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT!

You think, "I bet she wants you to kiss her. Probably best not to. What if she doesn't want you to kiss her and she claims rape? Also, it would be totally embarrassing".

THIS IS WHEN THE AWKWARD COMPLIMENT COMES IN!

You: Your hair looks much nicer then it did yesterday. Not that it looked bad yesterday, I mean, it looks especially nice today.

Now she's very uncomfortable (just where you want her!)

You: I guess I'll microwave these now.

HFL: Well, I guess I should go then.

You: OK, thanks for the mozzarella sticks!

She leaves, shaking her head.

END SCENE.

Remember, if she doesn't leave shaking her head, then you haven't done your job.

So, I hope these tips are useful, and remember:

ACT:

Awkwardly
Compliment
Them

CRY:

Eye Contact
Really
Troublesome

DEHKUKE

Don't
lEt
tHem
Know
yoU
liKe
thEm

And remember, a dehkuke a day keeps the doctor away!

It's pronounced deh-kookie, BTW.