Every Man Has a Woman Who Loves Him

He asked her what she felt about Nietzsche, post-modernism and potato bread. Her answer to all three: delicious.

She was a worn out, run-down, nogoodnick who stole candy from babies and gave it to diabetics. Peculiarly cruel; her idea of 'a good time' was misusing pronouns in polite company.

This is exactly what turned on Schmenderson, professor of Advanced Complicated Things at Columbia University. Sure, they were both married, and he was pretty sure he was gay, but there was just something about her that was a turn on.

Maybe it was the gallon of cheap-swill vodka he drank, or maybe it was the fact she was lying on his bed, completely naked except a dollop of vegan sour cream; but whatever it was, he was about to make a difficult life choice.

He wasn't entirely sure why she was so into him; paunchy, balding and with a penis the shape of a 7, he wasn't exactly a 'catch'. But, he figured, there must be some sort of raw animal sexuality about him. Yeah, something that the ladies love. "LL Schmenderson" is what he was going to call himself from now on.

Then it crossed his mind she might be throwing herself at him because he had said "I will pay you 10 thousand dollars to have sex with me" less then ten minutes beforehand. Oh, right, that's probably it. "LL Schmenderson's Money".

Actually, now that he thought about it some more, he didn't really have 10 thousand dollars to his name. He was so poor that his dinner consisted of eating glue out of a light fixture with a matchstick. He worked in academics, for Christ's sake!

All his thinking made her nervous. What was his game? Was he going to renege on the deal? Does he realize I have crabs? Can I make a California Roll from my venereal disease?

She didn't like thinking, which was a problem because thinking about it gave her a headache. This happened a lot when she went fishing, especially when she caught a haddock.

She was concerned that he might be catching on and realizing that she wasn't quite as smart as she pretended. Her usual 'nod and repeat the last three words he said' works for a few hours, but one can only repeat 'are you listening?' so many times until people realize you're not.

This professor thought he was getting an intellectual, and this dullard thought she was getting money. This is a common theme in sexual relationships.

The only thing left was to come clean.

Him first: "I'm broke, but I think I love you."

Next, her: "Sean Lennon is the least talented of all the Beatle children"

"What?"
"I mean, I'm fucking stupid. Sorry, I'm so stupid I forgot what we were talking about. French Maid TV?"
"No."
"iPhone applications?"
"No."
"Reality television?"

At this point, Schmenderson realized he wasn't dealing with someone who had a full deck. He slowly backed away, returned home to his wife and watched Gay Porn over and over again in an attempt to remove the image of the vacuous pudden-head that he thought he was brilliant.