"Why Do I Like Beer So Much?"
"Oh yeah, because it's liquid bread."
After his 6-pack was cashed, he put some toast in the blender, but sadly it didn't become beer. Also, he probably should have taken the turkey and mayo off the bread before sticking it in the blender.
Disappointed, he went back to bed, where his German wife lay, gently sleeping.
He was Jewish and his mother never quite approved of her; but there's one thing his mother never truly understood. Subconsciously, every Jewish man wants to be murdered by their spouse. If he's with someone who could somehow commit genocide on him, that's even sexier.
Of course her grandparents, Klongdongle and Jewhate, were Nazis, but he forgave; "forgive and forget" that was his mantra. Well, more precisely; "Forgive and forget, but don't actually forgive and forget, just pretend you are if asked; continue to harbor ill will and seething anger. Let it slip out during calm, unrelated moments, like during a discussion over who finished the milk".
He started to caress her as she slept. Sneaky, nasty thoughts popped in and out of his head. Mostly about butterscotch and right wing bloggers, but that got his mind a-thinkin'. Could he get away with it?
She was sleeping, would she wake up? What were the odds?
He pulled out his iPhone and ran the brand new Sexual Situation Cost/Benefit App. These were the results:
Situation: | Benefit: | Drawback: |
| Gentle Caressing and Deep, Thoughtful Staring | Sweet Emotional Connection | Sweet Emotional Connection |
| Casual Boob Grab | Boob Goodness | If she woke up, she’d be all like “why are you touching my boob?”. |
| Penetration | What You've Always Wanted: Sex With Something That Won't Be Horribly Disappointed Afterwards | Jail time, potential prison anal rape |
Then he realized something; he mistook boredom for horndoggery. Maybe it was the fact that he was drunk on turkey, mayo and white bread, but he was just so fucking bored that he thought he was interested in the manipulation of the fleshy parts belonging to the opposite sex.
In reality, he just wanted to sit back, stare out the window and wonder why he was so bored. So that's what he did.
Sadly, this made him more bored. His mind wondered and wondered, but it never really reached a destination; it just sorta ran out of gas.
He got so bored, in fact, that his brain started to leak out of his ear. Not knowing what to do, he grabbed the closest thing to catch it as it seeped out. That closest thing was his blender.
After a few minutes the leaking stopped. Unfortunately, he was so dumb from boredom by this point that he grabbed some bread, threw it in the blender and drank a brain/bread concoction.
It might have been the lack of brain cells, but that shit got him fucked up. He got so drunk that his wife found him the next morning; naked, covered in marmalade, and stuffed into a USPS box addressed to Camarillo, California.
She sent him away (he somehow had put the right postage on himself) and casually walked into the bedroom. Her mission was accomplished; she drove her Jew husband crazy by falling asleep early and being German. She immediately went to JDate to begin anew. Drive 'em crazy, send them to Camarillo, California and...well, there's a third step somewhere, but she'd figure that out later.
Yes, every German is still anti-Semitic.
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