Delicious and Easy 20 Minute Steak

I thought I might just throw up a quick and easy recipe for a 20 minute steak for those of us on the run/those of us who are completely incompetent in the kitchen.

Here's what you'll need before you cook:

To Serve 2 People:

Lean Steak (1/4-1/3 lb per person)

3-4 cloves of Garlic (chopped thick)

2 tablespoons of olive oil

2 heaping tablespoons of sweet salsa (something like a "peach mango" salsa, one spoon on each steak)

5-7 crushed crackers (something delicious and crunchy, Rice Crackers work well...)

A few squirts of your favorite BBQ sauce

Dash of Salt and Pepper

Directions:

-Cover a cooking dish with aluminum foil, then spread Olive Oil evenly across the foil. Squirt some BBQ sauce (as much as you want) in with the oil.

-Take steaks and rub both sides in Olive Oil/BBQ sauce mix, then lay them on the foil.

-Top steaks with salt & pepper, chopped garlic (I personally like really thick pieces of garlic, not minced), salsa and crushed crackers (you can put the crackers in a bowl and hit them with a blunt object until they break into little pieces).

-Turn Broiler On...

-Stick steaks in your broiler; flip them over after about 7 minutes, then flip 'em back again after 7 minutes for another few minutes. Depending on how well you like your steaks done, they should be ready in about 15 minutes.

A good way to tell is to cut a little into the center of the steak and check and see how "pink" the middle is. I personally think they taste best with a decent amount of pink; say around medium.

Another way, suggested here, is: "Check the edges. If you have a thicker steak, the color of the edges is often a good way to tell how done the middle is. When the edges change from red to pink to brown, the inside is probably moving from rare to medium rare to medium."

When you're done, the cracker/salsa/garlic topping will probably be all over your foil, so make sure to scoop it on top of your steak before you serve. It's pretty tasty.

While you're cooking the steak, you can make a good side dish, here's what you need:

1 bag of Sweet Potatoes, cut up (they have these at Trader Joe's, etc)

1-2 teaspoons of brown sugar (depending on how much sugar you like)

1/2 lemon, squeezed

a sprinkle of water

-Put Sweet Potatoes on a microwave safe plate.

-Squeeze 1/2 Lemon on them

-Evenly sprinkle some water on them (as much water as you might have on your fingers after you wash them)

-Gently dust them with brown sugar

Cover tightly in plastic wrap, stab a few holes in the wrap with a fork, and microwave for about 7 minutes.

You can add basically any vegetable to this concoction to make a pretty tasty side. Carrots or Brussel Sprouts work nicely too.

And basically you have it; a nice, relatively healthy meal that's incredibly easy to make.

Google Voice

I love me some google, even if a ton of my personal information sits in their hands. (not to mention that 'Ceti eel' they put in my ear [read the TOS for youtube])

I'm so cool with them that I am so willing to take the virtual plunge into the glorious world of Google Voice...an application that allows me to NEVER PICK UP THE PHONE AGAIN!!!

Yes, Google Voice assigns you a phone number, you give it to people, they call it and leave a message. That message is then emailed to you, along with an audio recording of said message. Through your email you can either TXT that person back, or have Google Voice actually call them on your behalf (it calls you too...sort of an electronic conference call). I prefer to text, obviously, because I absolutely despise actually speaking to someone. 

Anyway, it's pretty cool. Here's me calling myself:

Here is what Google Voice THOUGHT I said: 

 

hi matt this is a test i'm trying to see if this message is transcribe correctly love you very much bye 

Here's my friend Paul calling it:

Here's what it thought Paul said:

 hello  matt  this  is  call  i  hope  your  social  media  experimenters  working  and  let  me  know  if  it  works  this  is  exciting  alright  

So, as you can see, some bits and pieces still left to be worked out, but I'm a fan.

If you want to chat, I encourage you to call me. I won't call back, but I might text, email, or some sort of other thingy.

Do it do it do it!!!

El Pollo Loco Commercial

I've always wanted to direct an El Pollo Loco commercial, and not just because their chicken is FUCKING CRAZY.

I mean, Chick-Fil-A is probably better, right? Someone brought me some once, but I didn't end up eating it. The "a" at the end scares me, but I'm a nervous character at heart, much like Mir-Hossein Mousavi or Woody Allen.

In any case, I woke up one morning with an El Pollo Loco commercial in my head and wrote a short sketch about it.

Read and understand that I have humongous mental problems.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Matt walks in as Neil and Franci sit around.

MATT: Hey guys, I got an acting gig.
NEIL: I didn’t even know you were an actor.
MATT: I’m not, but my parents didn’t pay enough attention to me as a child, so apparently, I’m a natural.
FRANCI: My father used to beat my hamster with a bible, because he thought it was living in sin with the rabbit.
NEIL: So what’s the job?
FRANCI: But it was just a plush chew toy we put in his cage.
MATT: Brian De Palma's directing a new ad campaign for El Pollo Loco!
FRANCI: I loved that fucking hamster.
NEIL: When can we see it?
MATT: Now, probably.

CUT TO:

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT
A PRIEST (MATT) is giving last rites to a GRIZZLED HISPANIC PRISONER on DEATH ROW.

The Prisoner has a TATTOO of a tear on his face.

PRISONER: Thank you Padre; my soul feels cleansed.
MATT: And for your last meal?
PRISONER: I want chicken like muy tia Rossette used to make.

The Prisoner CRIES and makes a CROSS.

Matt solemnly nods.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Matt walks into a KITCHEN,

MATT: We have a special request...

He SEES:

A CHEF with blood and GUTS spewing everywhere.

On the wall, written in BLOOD is “I’ll Be Back”.

CHEF: Avenge my death...

Matt looks to the camera, WORRIED.

CUT TO:
INT. JAIL CELL - LATER
Matt walks in with an EL POLLO LOCO bag, but tosses it aside and hands the meal to the prisoner.

The Prisoner takes a bite.

Matt looks concerned, dramatic music plays.

PRISONER: Si...éste es pollo de dios. (this is the chicken of God)

They SMILE at each other.

CUT TO:

INT. CLOSE UP SHOTS OF CHICKEN

VOICE OVER: El Pollo Loco is freshly flame broiled to order. So good, even a hispanic convict on death row can’t taste the difference.

CUT TO:
INT. JAIL CELL
Prisoner has finished chicken and is holding a sharp BONE in his hand.

MATT: God bless you...and El Pollo Loco.

The Prisoner STABS Matt and runs out.

SFX guns are fired.

CLOSE ON:

Half Eaten Chicken Meal.

GFX:
A CHICKEN GETS IT’S HEAD CUT OFF AND IT LANDS IN A PLATE

TAGLINE: “EL POLLO LOCO: FUCK THOSE CRACKERS”.

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

NEIL: I’m still waiting to see it.
FRANCI: Yeah, you just said “probably now” and have been standing there for 30 seconds.
MATT: You didn’t see that?
NEIL: See what?
MATT: Oh boy, I must be high again.

The PRISONER stands behind Franci and Neil, holding a hamster.
PRISONER: I’m gonna kill this fucking hamster.
MATT: Now that’s just loco!

Everyone starts laughing.

CLOSE ON:

HAMSTER PUPPET:

HAMSTER: Why are you laughing? Save me, you fucking Jew!



Something tells me that won't be El Pollo Loco's Spring 2010 campaign.

not surprised, but disappointed

I saw this on CNN.com last month, I took a picture, and I've been meaning to upload it for a while.

If you look at the incredibly non-scientific poll conducted "should people be executed for non-violent crimes such as drug smuggling", 32% of respondents said "yes".

So I bought some awesome pot in Mexico and wanted to bring it back to share with my hippie friends...except I can't now because I'm being executed by firing squad.

This scenario makes sense to 32% of CNN readers?

That must be the same 32% of mouth breathers that respond to last week's Holocaust museum shooting with comments like these:

The murderous jerk has just given more ammo for Jews to hide behind holocaust guilt while hardworking asian, muslim, and latin immigrants are denied entry into the USA while Jews are given free passes to come into the USA as they please..

And:

This mans rage was sparked by jeremiah wrights comments over the screening of white house info last weekend. The ACLU has really got control over this administration, look what happend to chrysler , the supreme court was to see the case and the ACLU stoped it. the ACLU Has been sabotaging the US for years. It's about the money & the power. there foot print is big and not in a good way.

And:

OBAMA saddened > BECAUSE HIS MAN VonBrunn got caught!

And:

Yeah & These museums are all over the counrty which I don't understand the point of. Whether you believe in the accuracy of all the Holocaust history or not, this sh-t happened in Europe. Let them deal with it because from where I'm sitting Americans liberated the "death camps" so why do I as an American taxpayer have to pay for what seems to me to be little more than indoctrination centers that are all about the special suffering jews endured. The way I look at it the jews owe me money for liberation reparations that our fathers, grandfathers, and greatgrandfathers (the so-called greatest generation) died for while freeing the ungrateful bastards. So how about some dough for us, out of your own pocket, for all those WW2 American GIs you duped into freeing you so you could continue your nefarious activites

Comments here

and

here

I guess my thought is 32% of people are vocally stupid, while about 60-65% of people are really fucking stupid but don't talk all that much.

I'm not surprised, but consistently disappointed. It's like a typical Friday night.

Being Misled...

Being misled is a cornerstone of humanity. From the Trojan Horse all the way to "Compassionate Conservatism", we have an innate desire to package disappointment as something slightly less disappointing; To offer someone something, only to give them something else and hope they don't notice.

In other words, welcome to Hollywood.

Thinking back, I have experienced this all my life. Let's take a little trip down "memory lane", which, if I'm correct, will be called "Human RAM lane" in about 20 years.

Having grown up in NYC, 7-11 was an exotic, almost unknowable experience to me; like sex with an Norwegian. As a child, I saw the commercials on TV, but since there were none anywhere near me, the idea of one grew to mythic proportions.

It was my Godot; always talked about, but never there.

One fall evening in the spring of 1988 my family took a trip to Washington, DC, home of DIY punk and DIY drive-by shootings.

We were there with my oldest brother while he undertook the macabre charade that is "the college search".

I remember taking the requisite sight-seeing drive around town with the fam; "look! there's the Washington Monument!" "look, there's the Lincoln Memorial!" "look! there's Marion Barry smoking crack and having sex with a cheap call-girl!"

These were things I had never seen before, and they didn't fail to impress. But what was the one thing I was most looking forward to? 7 fucking 11.

7-11! The Gourmet Eatery I had only heard about during the commercial breaks on "DuckTales"...well, certainly I must go there post-haste.

We were driving:

"Dad!" I exclaimed, "can we go to the 7-11?"
"Good God" he responded, "why on earth would you want to do that?"
"I wanna go!!! I wanna go!!!"
He looked at me with a mixture of hatred and sorrow. To my family, the concept of a chain store was about as exciting as a weekend trip to Buchenwald circa 1944. In fact, I didn't even enter a fast-food establishment until I was 18.
"Sorry, kid, we've got to run to dinner".
"Can't we go there for dinner?"
"Uh, no, we have reservations"
"Can we go after dinner?"
My mother looked at my father with a "be nice to him even though he's being an annoying brat" look.
"Sure".

We went to the fanciest restaurant in DC, which fit it nicely with my family's lack of chain food experience. We're gourmands, which is French for "extremely picky and annoying". We were served and the food was amazing, but I wasn't paying attention.

Like a teenager awaiting the results of his SATs...I was a giddy mess. All I could think about were those amazing commercials; multi-colored frosty drinks, huge "gulps" of soda, and toys that tied in to the latest blockbuster film. It was my Xanadu.

I remember exactly what happened when bow-tied waiter came up:

"Still have room for desert? We were rated best in Washington".
My family eagerly ordered delicious sounding things; a la mode this, double chocolate that. My turn.
"No desert for me!" I excitedly exclaimed.
"Are you sure? We've got some really great choices"
My mother looked at me.
"Matt, seriously, are you sure? Everything here is great"
"Nope! I'm waiting until after!"
The waiter looked at my mother, she embarrassingly spoke:
"He's excited because we're going to 7-11"
He laughed "Really?"
"Yes!!! We're going!!!!" I shrieked.
"Well, I still remember my first time. It's never as good as it is then"
As a child, I lost the irony.
"Yay!!!!"

I can specifically remember that my mother ate a fudgy brownie covered in whip cream and gooey chocolate sauce. When my mother wants you to eat something she goes "mmmm" loudly, to underscore how much you're missing.

Needless to say, she was pulling an "mmmm" fest.

But I stood strong. I turned down every offer of a bite, because I was saving room in my tummy for whatever scrumptious delights awaited me at the wondrous 7-11.

Then we got there I and have never been so disappointed in my life.

This wasn't like it was in the commercials. I half-expected it have a velvet rope and a bouncer; checking the names of all the excited kids waiting patiently for their sugary delights.

Instead, it was illuminated with a dull flickering florescent light and the only occupant was a middle aged Indian gentleman.

My mother looked at me as if to say "sorry" and "I told you so" at the same time. This was the same look she gave me when I graduated film school.

Morbidly disappointed, I went back to the hotel with a mini-pack of Oreos.

Advertising's not just about making a product look good, it's about making the consumer believe whatever the product is...they need it.

And believe me, as long as there are gullible 7 year olds around (mentally or physically), companies will still market crap as gold-covered crap. I hope my story will illuminate this for a wayward child.

Probably not so much.

New Post Coming Tomorrow, but for now...a bit of depressing news:

Britain's far right party won some seats in the elections this week. Their leader, Nick Griffin has said things like this:



and



Yeah, he said "organized Jewry" and now he's the British equivilant of a congressman. He's one of those "Britian for the British, Deport Those That Aren't 'Pure Blood'" type people.

From the above article:

Right-leaning governments came out ahead in Germany, France, Italy, Belgium and Spain, while far-right parties that excoriated Muslims, immigrants and minorities gained strength in the Netherlands, Hungary and Austria.

Something to think about.

Living in Los Angeles has taught me a few lessons.

The bird poops on an electrical wire. The crack whore struts like she owns the place. My neighbor, who starred in a VH1 reality show, screams at her boyfriend about everything and nothing. A douched-out fratbag zooms down my block going 80 in an $80,000 Mercedes, just to reach a stop sign 3 seconds earlier then he would have otherwise.

Living in Los Angeles has taught me a few lessons. First; New York City is fucking awesome. It's a Mecca; I am a Jihadist and it's my Allah. I want to walk. I want to talk about things that aren't 'industry'. I want a cover of my magazine to be Larry David and Woody Allen. I want to drink at a bar at 3am.

But no, I'm not going to Bash LA. Sure, almost everyone I meet has ISSUES. Not 'itsy bitsy, let's drink whiskey and talk about your issues' issues...like 'mommy raped me while I was beaten with a bible' issues. The entertainment industry is fed by those people; hungry for approval, scarred by the past and narcissistic because it just makes sense.

Don't you love how someone says "not to blankity blankity blank", then they "blankity blankity blank"?

Needless to say, there are a lot of positives about living in a giant metropolitan sprawl. I like driving, for one. I think I'm fully OK with never being in a packed, sweaty, vomit-inducing subway again. When I first got here I used to say "nothing beats the subway; I can get anywhere, anytime...no traffic"...

But then I discovered "This American Life" and singing loudly to myself; traffic jams became an excuse to escape. Being in your car is kinda like being in the shower, except you're a lot dirtier. Sure, that fucker that cuts you off is annoying, but it's all OK because you're having your own little Karaoke Party. "Sister Christian" never sounded so good.

Then there's Hispanic food. Here's the difference between Los Angeles and everywhere else in the US; an El Salvadorian Immigrant is COOKING your food rather than delivering it.

Actually, he's delivering it too...but he's delivering what his cousin cooked. And, I gotta say; good hispanic food is about as delish as any food (except Jewish Deli food; but it gets close)

Even all the industry bullshit is OK. I mean, it's not, because if I have to be in the same room with another jackass wearing a blazer and teeshirt talking on their iPhone about "the deal", I'll kill myself...but: I do like the idea that we're all out here for the same reason. If I want to get a crew together, whatever the price, I just have to make a phone call or two. Anywhere else in the world it becomes a Wellian nightmare of begging, borrowing and crying.

I guess I'm getting used to LA. No, it'll never be NYC, but there's only one NYC. That's my hometown and that's why my number is 917 and my driver's lie-sense says that I live on the upper west side...but I'm used to the land of Angels. No, it's not "Under The Bridge", but maybe it's...OK.

My friend's wife created a Tee shirt line that says "I Stomach LA" (rather than "I Love LA"), and I think that's basically what's going on here. The only problem is that I have a consistent stomach ache...