Holiday Surprise 1,2,3

At a birthday party yesterday my friend's father challenged me to write more honestly and not censor myself.

This is a supremely hard challenge. If I was more HONEST, this blog would end up sounding more like:

"Holy shit, I fucking hate my life and everything in its pathetic orbit. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go masturbate while cutting myself to feel pain."

Plus if I opened up a little more, you might find out enough about me to get the true story behind this picture:

And if you knew that story, you might attempt to create legislation for some sort of "Internet Restraining Order" which would prevent me from stalking you on your social networking website of choice. Keep in mind though, I can still stalk you in real life; outside of your window while fondling my underthings and listening to "Rocky Mountain High" by John Denver on repeat.

You might call that weird, but I just call it "Friday night".

I think my biggest fear is that if I published my actual thoughts, people would read them, and that's a tremendously frightening proposition. I mean, I think I do a pretty good job of hiding the fact that I'm a borderline sociopath with an unhealthy interest in bazaar sexual practices. Right? But being honest...all might be revealed!

Maybe the dad was right; maybe I need to be more open and honest. After all, Zappos has taught me that I need to do that. But honesty is something that needs to be done in stages; one cannot admit that they are the world's first autophobic narcissist up front! You must lie about how fucked up you are, then slowly peel back the layers of truth like an onion made out of shit.

Ahh yes, ye olde "shit onion", great in salad or to encapsulate your miserable life.

I guess if I were to be truly honest, I could sum my life up in those two wondrously delicious words: "shit onion"...my life might look like shit, but peeling back each layer you realize that it's actually extra smelly weird shit like the kind that's off-green with something that looks like a corn nut floating around.

Yeah, so fuck honesty! I'm going back to lying while I write AND to myself! Yay! I love self delusion...that's where I'm a Pirate!