If you enjoy this blog (I apologize if you don't...actually I apologize if you do - I'll just apologize in general - I'm Jewish, after all), then you should follow me on Twitter. It's a lot like this blog - filled with self-loathing, depression and 140 characters about a naked Jewish man and his obsession with Doctor Who. Awkward!
FOLLOW ME NOW! Because if you don't, I'll feel like my life is worthless - well, even more worthless than it already is. Do you actually want to be responsible for my suicide? You and that girl that didn't kiss me in the 7th grade? Do YOU HEAR THAT Rachel Shmerin! It's all your fault if I die!
Either way, follow me, or the courts will somehow find you guilty of murdering me, even though this blog makes it pretty clear that I died of a sadness overdose while listening to an 8-track of Dexy's Midnight Runners. Honestly, how many men have sighed audibly while thinking about the implications of "coming on Eileen". Awkward!
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I stopped using twitter a few weeks ago after I was blocked by the girl I was trying to woo. I should have stopped over a year ago after I was blocked by a different girl who I was also trying to woo.
Locked in a boom-bust cycle of permanent existential crisis since the age of 15, I have long since decided that my obsession with hot young women is forever meant to be thwarted by my own douchebag personality and general lack of high-paying employment. I am good at staring at hot young girls (just access my Google Images history to prove this). Speaking to them, though, tends to result in Block Mode being engaged.
Through 28 years of financial and romantic catastrophe, my conclusion is that humans are not mostly harmless. Space is still big though.
Two years ago, I wrote this rhyme about Ttwittre (I can#t even brong myself to spell it right):
The pitter patter
Of twitter chatter
Is not my kind of thing.
I would much rather
Sail off to Java
And listen to nothing.
So, Molly and Jessica, I really am sorry. You and I were just not meant to be. Your blocking of me on twitter proved this incontrovertibly (generic unnecessary polysyllabic word sponsored by Broke Girlfriendless Limey Loser Productions).
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