QUICK NOTE: I posted this a few years ago. Think of this as a summer rerun - or perhaps more aptly, second-run syndication, like how "The Ted Knight Show" became the de-facto sixth season of "Too Close For Comfort", simply because it was so fucking easy to do.
I found out something interesting today, but I'm afraid to share it, for fear that I play too much on the "Jewy" angle.
Oh vell!
Syrians, Palestinians, and Lebanese share more DNA with Jews than they do with neighboring non-Jews. Talk about your self-hating Jews!
The theory is that most of them were Jews to begin with, but converted to Islam somewhere along the way...too bad that hasn't caused both sides to hug and fondle each others' dangly underthings.
This doesn't actually come as a surprise to me. I mean, let's take Arafat for example...the man looked pretty freakin' Jewish...maybe a Jew who spent a little too much time in the Florida sun, but Jewish nonetheless...
I mean, let's be honest; the guy could have been Jackie Mason's angry, comically hilarious headcovering-wearing brother Shlomo.
They've got to share some schlumpy DNA, no?So where does it leave us?
0.2 percent of the world is Jewish. 19% is Islamic and 32% is Christian. That's 51%! Let's be honest.
If Jews were 51% percent of the world's population, do you think we'd have such socio-political strife in the world? No. Here's the 5 reasons why:
1) POPULAR AVAILABILITY OF PASTRAMI SANDWICHES: Have you ever been to the "2nd Avenue Deli" in New York? No? How about "Langer's" in Los Angeles? Not that one either? OK, well here's a little Jew-insight...we like Pastrami sandwiches and have for thousands of years. Do you want to proselytize after eating one? No, you want to drink a Cel-Ray tonic and unbutton your pants.
If Jews ran the world, these delights would be available in McDonalds and Burger King and everyone would be too pacified by deliciousness to argue.
As the prophet George Costanza experienced...pastrami only makes life better. In fact, his girlfriend once said: "I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats."
2) GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR: Go ahead...name me an Islamic or Christian comedian who is hilarious. I'm giving you time. Think hard. Dane Cook? Good luck with that.
Jewish people are hilarious. Let's just be honest. Even unintentionally...Jews are hilarious. All the way from The Marx Brothers to Seth Rogen...Jews know how to joke around.
Christians? Jeff Foxworthy. Go ahead. Try and laugh at him. If Jews were running the world, there would be too many awkward Larry David-esque exchanges to start a war...we'd be too busy arguing over dinner portions or tip amounts.
3) DOCTORS AND LAWYERS: We've got your ass if you're sick. Have you ever been to a BAD Jewish doctor? Seriously, think back...when have you gone to a Jewish MD, and left thinking "boy, I really didn't get A+ service" ? Sure, we might charge an arm and a leg, but at least we made sure that said extremities are still attached to your body.
As for Lawyers...who would be left to sue the Christian doctors who fucked you up? 'Innocent' Murderer OJ Simpson's lawyers? Robert Shapiro, Alan Dershowitz. Convicted murderer Scott Peterson's lawyer? Mark Geragos.
Case closed. Go with Jews if you want to get away with murder.
4) WE'RE GOOD WITH MONEY: OK, Do I need to even go further than this?:
Clinton's budget surplus under Jewish treasury secretary Robert Rubin? $127 billion
Bush's budget deficit under Christian treasury secretary Henry Paulson? $482 billion
We run the world and even starving African Children will be enjoying $14 Pastrami Sandwiches AND leaving a big tip for mediocre service. Let's just be honest.
5) WE AREN'T WHITE: Lest you be mistaken, Jews ain't white. We're not even close to being white. White people have a history of being Oppressors. Jews have a history of being Bagel Eaters. Shit, we couldn't even do that in most places. We had to eat bagels in basements under a blanket while bleaching our hair strawberry blonde. Do you even know how often we've been oppressed? Check this shit out.
Like once every 100 years, 20% of us are murdered and kicked out of wherever we are. That's why we've been around for 3000 years, but we're only .2 percent of the world's population.
This ain't about being religious. A lot of Jews are secular. In fact, we celebrate being secular.
Here are but a few Jewish "non-believers"
Woody Allen (I'm assuming)
Anyway, I'm sure the list goes on and on. I guess we've got good DNA, which means the Syrians, Palestinians, and Lebanese do too...maybe peace isn't so far off....
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Accused of playing the "Jew Card" too often on his blog in order to rack up easy Google search hits, Matt replied:
"Get fucked you nazi-lovin' holocaust-denyin' tairist appeasin' Saddam-lovin' Anglo-Saxonite oppressor overlord."
Matt then started crying, another of his signature quirks that critics say he does simply to get sympathy from women so that they will go to bed with him.
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