I'm Bound To Insult You

I hate silence.

I would rather be savaged clumsily by a spork than sit in uncomfortable silence.

There's a grating, unnerving feeling when people sit in silence. I can't really explain it. Not talking to someone is essentially the same as screaming "I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU, YOU FETID SACK OF COW TURD!!" at them.

So, that's why I ramble on and on and on. It's how I keep myself sane.

It's also how I get in a lot of trouble.

You see, the more one talks, then more one is likely to say something highly insulting or embarrassing to the other person. At least, that's the way it works for me.

Take, for example, a poker game that I had a week or so ago.

End of the night, everyone sort-of making their way out the door, the remaining few just idly sipping whiskey...

Barack Obama came up. (preface, I'm a huge Barack supporter and went around PA passing out fliers, making phone calls, etc for him)

I was attempting to express my pride and amazement that someone like Barack could win the election. How did it come out? An expression that more closely resembled a KKK recruiting pamphlet.

"When I was a kid, my dad told me that the US would elect a black man as president before they'd elect a Jew. I was like 'no way...how could that ever happen'! 'How could the US elect a black guy before they elected a Jew?'"

So the silence crept in and I felt like I needed to back up or keep chugging; basically cause some sort of car wreck...

"I didn't mean it like that; I just didn't think that anyone would actually vote for a black person to be president"

Of course, what I meant was that I didn't have the faith that a black person would ever be elected president because of our country's chequered past. Judging by the dropped jaws and piercing stares, it must have come across as "who could ever believe that an inferior race would be elected!".

A few days later, I found myself at the house of a good friend of mine, discussing internet culture with his girlfriend.

She spoke of her distrust of Twitter, and I picked up on it.

"Yeah, I mean, there are all types of vain, narcissistic weirdos taking pictures of their meals and tweeting 'this is what I'm eating'. What's up with that?"

I then realized that her boyfriend tweets all day and 90% of them are pictures of his meal with a "this is what I'm eating" tag on it.

I quickly tried to correct myself...

"uh, except your boyfriend, he's always taking pictures of interesting food. I completely understand why he does it. It's not vanity or narcissism when he does it. More of an art..."

So she's not responding and I think maybe I've taken it a little to far with the "more of an art" comment...too much silence, right?

"Well, as much of an art as Twittering can be, I mean, obviously an idiot could Twitter, not that your boyfriend is an idiot"

She was watching "The Hills" as we spoke and later on in the conversation (during a lull) a very sexy condom commercial came on.

I felt the need to butt in.

"Not to be too puritanical, but isn't this show for 15 year old girls?"

Note, we had just had a conversation about how this was one of her favorite shows. Of course, I was referring to the too-sexy commercial on, not the fact that a 28 year old girl was watching the show, but she didn't pick up on it.

"Uh, I guess, but you know, it's funny, that's why I watch it"

"Yeah, but I mean, how can they show that crap to little kids?"

She looks offended and stays quiet. I realize that she has no idea I'm talking about the condom commercial, and that I'm probably insulting her.

"Oh, I was talking about the condom commercial, I don't think this show is for 15 year olds, I just meant that was part of the demographic. The show can be enjoyed on different levels, you know? Like, if you're 15 you can enjoy it as an MTV reality show, and if you're older, you can enjoy it as..."

I lose track and try to quickly come up with something.

I can't.

"Anyway, I certainly didn't mean to imply this show is just for 15 year old girls!"

15 minutes later she went to bed and I didn't see her again for the next two days that I stayed at her house.

So, you get what it's like spending an uncomfortable night with me. I'm bound to insult you, your significant other, or your race. Perhaps all three.

Just know I didn't mean it.