Beautiful Race Hate

I just finished a blog posting entitled "Astrological Race Hate Hiakus"

A taste?

nothing can escape
from a black whole; except beer
the irish are drunks

But, I shant post the rest, dear reader. Why? Because I'm afraid of retribution from:

Russians
Blacks
Jews
Hitler
Indians
Indian-Indians
Midgets
Poor People
Mexicans
Mexican'ts

Race hate always SEEMS like a good idea to begin with; but just like Swedes, I choose to remain neutral and watch depressingly morbid films.

As I speak of race hate, I am reminded of all the people that have dissed me throughout my life because I am of the Jew-nosh persuasion. There was:

1) The hip-hop kid who said "fuck you Jew!" and spit on me when I was 12. Now, keep in mind, this was the Upper East Side, which is also known as "Jewburg Central". It was my first memory of someone hating me because I was so devilishly handsome and Jewish. Big nose? More like Awesome Nose!

2) The roommate at North Carolina School of The Arts. I believe his name was Dave, and I caught him staring at me one evening. It was a weird stare, because it wasn't a "you've got something in-between your teeth" stare, and it wasn't a "I want to gay fuck you" stare, it was a "there's something not quite right" stare. He said:

"So, are you I-tailian?"
"No.", I responded, understanding what he was leading to, but not willing to progress the convo to that point.
"Well, what are yuh then?"
"Well, I'm not anything, but I guess you mean...I'm Jewish".
"A Jew? But you don't have horns. My mom said ya'll have horns".

Now Dave was a poor soul who grew up in Charlotte, but even then; he was 16 and literally thought Jews had horns. I mean, duh, we do, but we don't show it in polite company.

3) Freshman year of college; Now here's a weird one. I'm walking with this Irish girl (which is maybe why I let the above haiku slide) and out of the blue she says:

"What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?"
"Uhhh...what?"
"A pizza doesn't scream when you put it into the oven".

I looked at her in the eyes. I'm all for comedy, and even Jewish jokes, and yes, I'll even tolerate a holocaust joke, even though I find them beneath contempt, but the joke was said in such a way that it was obviously a "shhh!" joke between two gentiles.

"I'm Jewish"
"Oh, man, I'm sorry; I'm just not used to being around Jews".

Now the clincher for me was that we weren't talking about Jews and this basically just came up out of the blue. I'm not used to being around Sudanese, but I'm not about to make Darfur jokes (though it might be potentially hilarious). This chick was from upstate New York, which just goes to show you ignorance is everywhere.

I could go on and detail every little anti-Semitic line I've ever heard, but I believe I'd be falling straight into a neurotic Jewish stereotype. In fact, thinking that listing anti-Semitic lines would make me a neurotic stereotype is in fact a neurotic Jewish stereotype.

As Woody Allen said in 1997:

Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.

And Larry David, 2001:

Let me tell you something; I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.

Sense a theme here? My thought; most Jews hate themselves, but are pretty happy that they're Jewish.