Reflection of a Reflection

This is the view from outside my window. It's interesting because every time I look out the window, about 56% of it is a reflection of my living room. If that isn't a metaphor for life, I don't know what is.

OK, I actually don't know what "is". Seriously. What is? I don't know. Not sure I even understand the question. Perhaps if I were a poet or poetess, I might be able to compile an apt metaphor from that dangerous grey matter known as my brain, but for now - I don't know what "is" is and my brain is taking a brief vacation at the Retirement Hills Resort in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. It's Jewish and the dry heat is good for its sciatica.

I work from home - which basically means I spend 2-3 hours a day working, and the rest huddled in the fetal position - sobbing quietly and gently caressing my big toe with a handful of moisturizing cream. Sometimes I scream "why, Jesus, why?!!?" while eating a vat of expired Thousand Island salad dressing. Sometimes I simply lip-sync to "A-Ha's" greatest hits while rubbing mayo on my chest - wondering if there is bread big enough to encase my condiment-smothered body. Sometimes, I question if life is worth it and sometimes I wonder if the calories from the mayo are making me "hipy".

But every once in a while I turn my head to look outside my window. And there's always that reflection. Half inside/half out. Kind of like a prolapsed vagina. Please don't google that. But seriously, it's exactly like a prolapsed vagina. Again, don't google. I'm adamant about that. Really - you've got standards.

I guess the metaphor is apt. I'm a New Yorker, staring out my blank window to the vast, vacuous wasteland that is Los Angeles. There's about as much culture here as a Star Magazine can provide. Definitely something is missing. Soul, depth...to be pretentious - I'll even say myself. I'm half in/half out. A reflection of a reflection.

I see a street sign buried in the depths of some pictures hanging up on my wall - but in the end, all it is - is a reflection. An idea of what things could or should be. My body might be situated in a medium-sized living room (at quite a steal, I may add), but my mind is elsewhere - transversing expensive streets in blank cities - wondering if I'll ever find a reasonable place to live - or, if the odds are Vegas-style - wondering if I'll be spending all my money in the flashy place with the women with the fake boobies.

Either way, it's all just an idea - a concept looking at a concept. Perhaps the answer will appear one day - perhaps it won't. Either way, I'll still be staring out the window, wondering if I'm looking outside or seeing a mirror of what's inside.

I'm Getting Published Ya'll!

You may have noticed that I haven't been updating here a lot recently. Well, you probably haven't noticed, because you gave up on this blog in mid-2010 after posts became scarcer than a politician who describes themselves as a liberal - but it hasn't been for naught.

I'm happy to announce here, to both of you, that I'm being published ya'll. Two books and a publishing deal worth 1.2 million rubles (12 American Cents) with the 3rd most popular publishing company in Belarus: Phlegm, Mucus and Blintzes, INC. Exciting, right? PMB's work with the most preeminent lactose intolerant authors has made them incredibly popular in the Baltic States (not to mention Mediterranean Avenue*), and I'm proud to be a small part.

So, without further adieu, the cover art:

And the follow up:




*a little Monopoly humor for you.

Also, this is not true. If you didn't figure that out, then you're the type of person who believes Paul Revere was riding around on a horse to warn the British that the American "well-armed persons individual private militia" were coming to get them.

If Jews Ran The World...

QUICK NOTE: I posted this a few years ago. Think of this as a summer rerun - or perhaps more aptly, second-run syndication, like how "The Ted Knight Show" became the de-facto sixth season of "Too Close For Comfort", simply because it was so fucking easy to do.

I found out something interesting today, but I'm afraid to share it, for fear that I play too much on the "Jewy" angle.

Oh vell!

Syrians, Palestinians, and Lebanese share more DNA with Jews than they do with neighboring non-Jews. Talk about your self-hating Jews!

The theory is that most of them were Jews to begin with, but converted to Islam somewhere along the way...too bad that hasn't caused both sides to hug and fondle each others' dangly underthings.

This doesn't actually come as a surprise to me. I mean, let's take Arafat for example...the man looked pretty freakin' Jewish...maybe a Jew who spent a little too much time in the Florida sun, but Jewish nonetheless...

I mean, let's be honest; the guy could have been Jackie Mason's angry, comically hilarious headcovering-wearing brother Shlomo.

They've got to share some schlumpy DNA, no?

So where does it leave us?

0.2 percent of the world is Jewish. 19% is Islamic and 32% is Christian. That's 51%! Let's be honest.

If Jews were 51% percent of the world's population, do you think we'd have such socio-political strife in the world? No. Here's the 5 reasons why:

1) POPULAR AVAILABILITY OF PASTRAMI SANDWICHES: Have you ever been to the "2nd Avenue Deli" in New York? No? How about "Langer's" in Los Angeles? Not that one either? OK, well here's a little Jew-insight...we like Pastrami sandwiches and have for thousands of years. Do you want to proselytize after eating one? No, you want to drink a Cel-Ray tonic and unbutton your pants.

If Jews ran the world, these delights would be available in McDonalds and Burger King and everyone would be too pacified by deliciousness to argue.

As the prophet George Costanza experienced...pastrami only makes life better. In fact, his girlfriend once said: "I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats."

2) GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR: Go ahead...name me an Islamic or Christian comedian who is hilarious. I'm giving you time. Think hard. Dane Cook? Good luck with that.

Jewish people are hilarious. Let's just be honest. Even unintentionally...Jews are hilarious. All the way from The Marx Brothers to Seth Rogen...Jews know how to joke around.

Christians? Jeff Foxworthy. Go ahead. Try and laugh at him. If Jews were running the world, there would be too many awkward Larry David-esque exchanges to start a war...we'd be too busy arguing over dinner portions or tip amounts.

3) DOCTORS AND LAWYERS: We've got your ass if you're sick. Have you ever been to a BAD Jewish doctor? Seriously, think back...when have you gone to a Jewish MD, and left thinking "boy, I really didn't get A+ service" ? Sure, we might charge an arm and a leg, but at least we made sure that said extremities are still attached to your body.

As for Lawyers...who would be left to sue the Christian doctors who fucked you up? 'Innocent' Murderer OJ Simpson's lawyers? Robert Shapiro, Alan Dershowitz. Convicted murderer Scott Peterson's lawyer? Mark Geragos.

Case closed. Go with Jews if you want to get away with murder.

4) WE'RE GOOD WITH MONEY: OK, Do I need to even go further than this?:

Clinton's budget surplus under Jewish treasury secretary Robert Rubin? $127 billion

Bush's budget deficit under Christian treasury secretary Henry Paulson? $482 billion

We run the world and even starving African Children will be enjoying $14 Pastrami Sandwiches AND leaving a big tip for mediocre service. Let's just be honest.

5) WE AREN'T WHITE: Lest you be mistaken, Jews ain't white. We're not even close to being white. White people have a history of being Oppressors. Jews have a history of being Bagel Eaters. Shit, we couldn't even do that in most places. We had to eat bagels in basements under a blanket while bleaching our hair strawberry blonde. Do you even know how often we've been oppressed? Check this shit out.

Like once every 100 years, 20% of us are murdered and kicked out of wherever we are. That's why we've been around for 3000 years, but we're only .2 percent of the world's population.

This ain't about being religious. A lot of Jews are secular. In fact, we celebrate being secular.

Here are but a few Jewish "non-believers"

Albert Einstein

Sigmund Freud

Emma Goldman

Karl Marx

Woody Allen (I'm assuming)

David Cronenberg

David Cross

Stephen Jay Gould

Theodor Herzl

Mark Zuckerberg

Anyway, I'm sure the list goes on and on. I guess we've got good DNA, which means the Syrians, Palestinians, and Lebanese do too...maybe peace isn't so far off....