I came across this little "ditty" while going through an old notebook. Written in 2005, it's probably as relevant as ever:

So you wants to be a hipster!

But do you have what it takes? Sure, you’ve moved from the mid-west to New York; OK, you’ve made inroads in the Lower East Side music scene, and yes, you shower no more then once a week. But does that really make you a hipster? An emphatic no! Sir or Madam; an emphatic no.

To understand what a hipster is, we must first look at the origins of the word: “Hipster” comes from the Latin “Hypsterdoophus”, meaning a group of slightly different potatoes, or potato salads. It has, in recent times, come to define a culture of young, mostly unemployed (or unemployable), layabouts whose main talent is sleeping, being ironic about irony, and sleeping some more.

Let us dissect these creatures.

When moving to New York City from Generic Small Town, the true hipster knows that appearance is everything.

First, adorn your body with several tattoos. Who would know you were into Asian lettering or stars on your elbow without pumping ink your frail, pasty arm?

Next, you must find decent clothing. Go to designer stores that sell vintage shirts for a 4000% mark-up. Tee-shirts are a must: Sleeveless, preferably, to show-off aforementioned tattoos. They should have pun-filled sayings poking fun of irony, like, “Tee Shirts are So Yesterday”, or “Ithaca is Gorges”. To be post-modern is no more! Post-Post modern is the way to go: remember it makes a delicious paradox. And so do you, sexy hipster, so do you.

The shirts should be tight enough that nipples show: whether they be erect or not. Make sure the shirt is so ridiculously tight that it forces your posture into a sloping hunch. This way, pensively gazing at your shoes isn’t such a chore!

If you’re really feeling brave, a form-fitting blazer is a plus. Remember nothing says, “I’m sort of sophisticated, in an ‘I dropped out of college to spend more time writing my blog’ sort of way” like a blazer that you found in a salvation army “rejected by the homeless” pile.

For pants, the lower the cut, the better. Even for men, show it all: Shaving your pubic hair isn’t just for the criminally insane and people riddled with STDs anymore!

Glasses are requisite, whether you have eye sight problems or not. Remember, glasses make you seem pensive and emotionally troubled. Plain old thick black frames went out with mesh caps like 6 months ago! Nowadays it’s all about REALLY thick black frames. Remember to obscure your ugly, acne scarred face.

As for hair cuts, there’s an easy equation you can remember:

Today’s Style=Hair Style of musicians 20 years ago

Does anyone remember when long, dirty hippie hair was popular in the late ‘80s? Or when people spiked their hair punkishly in the late ‘90s? Well, the same can be applied today. It’s that simple! Beat everyone to the punch: Flock Of Seagulls is making a comeback.

Now that you’re dressing like a hipster, it’s time to live like one. Living within your means is out, living within your father’s means is in. Here’s a little guide to help you choose where to situate:

POTENTIAL LIVING SITUATION	HIPSTER QUOTIENT
300 sq foot “2 bedroom” 6th floor walk-up in alphabet city. Potential price $2500	Pretty darn good. You’re near some bars that serve Pabst Blue Ribbon and of course, drug dealers. Plus some points if you sleep on only a mattress, no bedframe, or a futon you found on the street.
Huge loft in Willamsburg. Preferably near Bedford Ave. $3000	Great. You’re near some more bars that sell Pabst Blue Ribbon and of course, even more drug dealers. Williamsburg is an artist community, which means that no one is actually employed: you’ll fit in well.
Reasonably priced and sized 2 bedroom in Astoria, Queens. $1200.	Horrible. You can’t find Pabst anywhere, and don’t even ask about the drug dealers. Astoria is like 20 MINUTES outside the Manhattan. No, if your parents can’t afford to pay for you to live in Manhattan or Brooklyn, you don’t deserve to be a hipster. Go find a job or something, loser.

Next, you must find music to talk about. This forms the basis of every conversation and social event that you will have for the rest of your mid-20s. Sure, you may “enjoy” the Beatles or REM, but these are bands you listen to-not talk about.

Seek out bands that have two word titles, where the first word is “the”. This is generally the way to go. If you can’t think of any bands, just make up one: “The Somethings” or “The Fake” are just as believable as any other band name out there. Tell people they have an EP out. They’ll believe it, and some will even claim to have heard them before, or even own the album. Also, remember to sneer at people who don’t like your music. They don’t understand you, or your movement.

It’s also important to KNOW people in a band. Even if they only know you as “the guy who stands next to us at the bar all the time”. Constantly say to people, “I’ve got to go, my friend’s playing a gig”, or “hey, you should come with me to see my friend’s gig”. Sure, that “gig” is in someone’s basement or a Mexican restaurant, but who cares? You KNOW someone in a BAND!

If you really want some hipster cache, start a band. What’s that? You don’t know how to play an instrument? Who cares. It’s all about the look, which you have already. Anyway, if you're able to pick up a ukulele and strum tunelessly, you're 90% towards "having a jam session in my friend's living room. He's got Vinyl; Bring some pot!"

That way, when people ask you what you do, instead of saying “Drink alone while crying” or “throw rocks out the window to watch people bleed”, you can say “I’m in a band”, which will invariably lead to you getting sexy-hot action, or at least a venereal disease.

As for other forms of music: you’re allowed to like rap, but only for it’s irony value. Remember to use the word "crunk" a lot. Call your ghostly pale friends “niggas” and adorn your neck with gold-plated chains. Continue to cross the street at night when you see black people approaching.

Speaking of booty shakin’- how do hipsters get some arse? It’s hard, because it’s so yesterday to be honest with someone and tell them you want to buy them a drink. It’s just…unironic.

Solution: The INTERNET! Yes, the internet, once thought of as merely a device to acquire music and illicit underage pornography, it is now home to a growing community of dating sites that masquerade as places where “friends can connect”.

Putting up a singles profile is not as easy as you think. The specifics are key. Never say you are actually interested in sex or a relationship. Make it seem like someone put you up to it, or that you’re doing it for a laugh.

Say things like “Reading books is sexy, bathing myself in mayonnaise is sexier”. Make sure to play down the deadening loneliness that eats you from within, and say something like “Celebrity I resemble most: "HAL 9000 from 2001.” Always make sure that your personal ad is a long, winding parody of other personal ads. You don’t actually want to be with someone, do you? Nah, that would be pathetic.

Remember, you’re just doing this for fun, and after no one responds to the first 100 emails you send out, you’re just doing it between the time you cry and the time you masturbate.

Well, you’re dressed to the hilt, you listen to the right music, you live in a cool neighborhood and you cry daily. Congratulations: You’re a hipster. Join us next week when we examine “Genital Warts: Acne’s Wacky Cousin!”.

For more on hipsters, check out my hipster count!

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