The Do-It-Yourself Guide To Social Interaction

As most of you know, I receive a lot of fan mail, some of which is actually addressed to me. Usually I haven’t got the time to read my numerous fans blubbering praise about my literary prodigiousness, but one letter really stuck out.

Dear Matt:

I have a hard time communicating with my fellow man. I can’t handle greetings and salutations. Today some girl waved to me and I smiled and waved back. It turns out she was waving to her boyfriend, who saw me waving to her, and promptly beat me about the head with his thick, muscular forearms, as the girl pelted me with rocks and shards of broken glass. I woke up the next day in a puddle of my own blood covered with chocolate pudding and a yellow post-it note that simply read “this is a yellow post-it note”. How do I prevent this from happening again?

Thanks,

Mr. Ezra Stein (deceased)

Well Ezra, if there is one thing that’s plagued human beings from the beginning of time, it’s their inability to carry on simple day-to-day conversations with other people. Inane banter is fine in sitcoms and any movie with the word “Extreme” in the title, but in real life, it’s very, very hard. The best advice I can give you is avoid unnecessary social interaction of any kind.

Here’s a little multiple-choice test you can give yourself:

OK, you’ve seen this guy in the hall three times today. First time you smiled and said, “Hey, how’s it goin’?”, second time you gave him the old closed-lip grin and wave and the third time you gave him the acknowledging eyebrow raise and head jerk. He’s coming down the hall again…what do you do?

1. Turn around and avoid walking into him with the “I forgot something” snap of the fingers.

2. Start violently coughing and pretend you don’t see him.

3. Pick up your cell phone and call your mother, start an argument with her about why you don’t have a girlfriend.

4. Cry, cry and cry some more.

5. Stop, Drop and Roll

OK. What did you answer? Wait! Don’t tell me! Just keep it inside. Plant the seed, so you know what to do in any similar situation in the future .

Another good way to avoid having to carry on a conversation is to completely ignore what other people are saying and respond in a distant, perplexed deer-in-the-headlights manner. My mom is great at this.

Read and learn:

Mom: (stuffing food down my throat) Why don’t you eat, put some meat on those bones, you're walking around looking like your thin cousin Herbert. Do you want to look like Herbert? You'll never get a girl looking like him.

Me: Herbert's gay, Mom.

Mom: Your uncle Albert would have a heart attack if he heard you talking like that!

Me: Albert had a heart attack last week. Remember? I was talking to him about his gay son Herbert.

What can we learn from my mother? Marriage is a huge mistake, according to my father. What else? Don’t pay attention to what anyone says to you. Look confused when someone asks you a question, get angry when someone disagrees with you, whether you are right or wrong, and if the pressure’s on, offer them some food. That way you can seek out the kitchen window when they aren’t looking.

Some of us can handle the pressures of social interaction. I call these people “gentiles”. Here’s a little chart I’ll “chart” out for you so that can tell you what kind of person you really are:

Potential Social Situation:	Jew:	Gentile:
A Pretty Member of the opposite sex walks up to you and asks you for the time.	As your asthma starts to act up, you manage to wheeze out the time from your calculator-watch.	You say, “I’ve got the time baby…in my pants”. You are married and driving an SUV in no time.
Someone engages you in an inane conversation about a local sports team in the elevator.	You smile and nod at your elevator man and pretend to know what he’s talking about. Leave him an extra large Christmas bonus because you are afraid he thinks you don’t like Puerto-Ricans.	Sign his autograph and tell him the knee injury is day-to-day and you’ll be back on the court in no time.
Your accountant asks you out to dinner to discuss financial matters.	Give him that secret “Brotherhood of the Jews” handshake, eat Matzo, make fun of Christ.	Tell him you’re busy. Slam down the phone, complain to the wife about how the Jews are “ripping us off-fucking hebes”.
Someone at the Supermarket tries to talk to you about the Middle East.	Try to convince him Israel isn’t the cause of all the world’s problems, and that if the Palestinians wanted, they could have peace and their own land. Feel really, really guilty for absolutely no reason at all.	Agree to bomb Iraq, ignore threats from Nuclear Superpower North Korea because “that guy has funny hair”.

Are you a Jew or Gentile? Note: there's no such thing as a Jewtile.

There you have it. They keys to conversation. Use wisely.

To obtain a copy of this transcript, simply send 20 dollars and a SASE to Matt Manson c/o The Internet. If you don’t have an envelope, just send yourself and Matt will stamp you.