FLASH FROM THE WHITE HOUSE

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard that Cristeta Comerford has been named executive chef of the White House. Laura Bush made the annoucement Sunday, so everyone would be reading it on page two Monday morning.

The White House released the following information about Comerford:

She's:

1) the first woman to be White House Chef
2) the first minority to be White House Chef.

Hey - the president's popularity is at an all time low, the Iraq War causalties are raising everyday, the President's senior advisor is under investigation for leaking the name of a covert CIA operative, and the White House appointed Anti-UN freak John Bolton ambassador to the UN in a recess appointment. (That means uncontested, by the way - even Republican Sentator George V. Voinovich had problems with this guy)

But, who the hell cares, there's a woman cooking for the president! She's the first one ever! Still no comment from the White House about Valerie Plame or Karl Rove (they don't talk about ongoing investigations unless they're delicious.)

Did anyone hear ONE news story about those things in the popular media this week? No? Did you hear about the Chef? Yes?

The Do-It-Yourself Guide To Social Interaction

As most of you know, I receive a lot of fan mail, some of which is actually addressed to me. Usually I haven’t got the time to read my numerous fans blubbering praise about my literary prodigiousness, but one letter really stuck out.

Dear Matt:

I have a hard time communicating with my fellow man. I can’t handle greetings and salutations. Today some girl waved to me and I smiled and waved back. It turns out she was waving to her boyfriend, who saw me waving to her, and promptly beat me about the head with his thick, muscular forearms, as the girl pelted me with rocks and shards of broken glass. I woke up the next day in a puddle of my own blood covered with chocolate pudding and a yellow post-it note that simply read “this is a yellow post-it note”. How do I prevent this from happening again?

Thanks,

Mr. Ezra Stein (deceased)

Well Ezra, if there is one thing that’s plagued human beings from the beginning of time, it’s their inability to carry on simple day-to-day conversations with other people. Inane banter is fine in sitcoms and any movie with the word “Extreme” in the title, but in real life, it’s very, very hard. The best advice I can give you is avoid unnecessary social interaction of any kind.

Here’s a little multiple-choice test you can give yourself:

OK, you’ve seen this guy in the hall three times today. First time you smiled and said, “Hey, how’s it goin’?”, second time you gave him the old closed-lip grin and wave and the third time you gave him the acknowledging eyebrow raise and head jerk. He’s coming down the hall again…what do you do?

1. Turn around and avoid walking into him with the “I forgot something” snap of the fingers.

2. Start violently coughing and pretend you don’t see him.

3. Pick up your cell phone and call your mother, start an argument with her about why you don’t have a girlfriend.

4. Cry, cry and cry some more.

5. Stop, Drop and Roll

OK. What did you answer? Wait! Don’t tell me! Just keep it inside. Plant the seed, so you know what to do in any similar situation in the future .

Another good way to avoid having to carry on a conversation is to completely ignore what other people are saying and respond in a distant, perplexed deer-in-the-headlights manner. My mom is great at this.

Read and learn:

Mom: (stuffing food down my throat) Why don’t you eat, put some meat on those bones, you're walking around looking like your thin cousin Herbert. Do you want to look like Herbert? You'll never get a girl looking like him.

Me: Herbert's gay, Mom.

Mom: Your uncle Albert would have a heart attack if he heard you talking like that!

Me: Albert had a heart attack last week. Remember? I was talking to him about his gay son Herbert.

What can we learn from my mother? Marriage is a huge mistake, according to my father. What else? Don’t pay attention to what anyone says to you. Look confused when someone asks you a question, get angry when someone disagrees with you, whether you are right or wrong, and if the pressure’s on, offer them some food. That way you can seek out the kitchen window when they aren’t looking.

Some of us can handle the pressures of social interaction. I call these people “gentiles”. Here’s a little chart I’ll “chart” out for you so that can tell you what kind of person you really are:

Potential Social Situation:	Jew:	Gentile:
A Pretty Member of the opposite sex walks up to you and asks you for the time.	As your asthma starts to act up, you manage to wheeze out the time from your calculator-watch.	You say, “I’ve got the time baby…in my pants”. You are married and driving an SUV in no time.
Someone engages you in an inane conversation about a local sports team in the elevator.	You smile and nod at your elevator man and pretend to know what he’s talking about. Leave him an extra large Christmas bonus because you are afraid he thinks you don’t like Puerto-Ricans.	Sign his autograph and tell him the knee injury is day-to-day and you’ll be back on the court in no time.
Your accountant asks you out to dinner to discuss financial matters.	Give him that secret “Brotherhood of the Jews” handshake, eat Matzo, make fun of Christ.	Tell him you’re busy. Slam down the phone, complain to the wife about how the Jews are “ripping us off-fucking hebes”.
Someone at the Supermarket tries to talk to you about the Middle East.	Try to convince him Israel isn’t the cause of all the world’s problems, and that if the Palestinians wanted, they could have peace and their own land. Feel really, really guilty for absolutely no reason at all.	Agree to bomb Iraq, ignore threats from Nuclear Superpower North Korea because “that guy has funny hair”.

Are you a Jew or Gentile? Note: there's no such thing as a Jewtile.

There you have it. They keys to conversation. Use wisely.

To obtain a copy of this transcript, simply send 20 dollars and a SASE to Matt Manson c/o The Internet. If you don’t have an envelope, just send yourself and Matt will stamp you.

7:30am Attack Of Conscience

This is probably my favorite joke I've ever written, which isn't to say it's actually funny. It's from my high school play, and you better believe the pastor of my school, Ms. Nichols, was not impressed.

Granted, Ms. Nichols also once laughed at someone who told me to 'Get back into the oven, you flithy Jew', so I didn't really expect her to be impressed. Yes, it was all good times at boarding school. I complained to the principal (and more importantly, my parents) about her inappropriate laughter, and as a sign of good faith, Ms. Nichols started to end each one of her chapel sermons with the only Jew word she could think of: 'Shalom'. Yeah, that about made her rampant anti-Semitism OK.

I can only imagine she thought to herself 'Boy, that flithy hook-nose is getting all uppity because of a simple Kyke joke. How do I fix this? Oh, I know, I'll say Shalom at the end of my weekly Christian service that he has to sit through. That'll make it all OK! Flithy fucking Kyke!'

OK, so you wonder why the following excerpt from my play is the most favorite thing I ever wrote:

Girl: Are you a religious man?
Boy: The most religious thing I ever did was a virgin named Mary.

Not ha-ha funny, but it certainly made Ms. Nichols roll her eyes. Keep in mind I was 17 when I wrote that and it was performed at a Methodist high school.

Until Later...

My Nomination For Worst Person Ever...

Michael Carr!

He runs the Telluride Indie Film Festival. Only, the festival doesn't actually exist.

Yes, that's right. The festival doesn't exist. At least, it doesn't exist this year.

For those that don't know, applying to a film festival is a lot like applying to college. You pay an application fee, you send your film out, and you wait for a response. You can even hit up an early deadline to better your chances.

So Carr charges 60 bucks for you to apply to his Telluride film festival. You give him the money, and supposedly he goes through a selection process and picks the best films to screen at his festival. Only no one seemed to get in this year.

The festival line-up was posted on the Telluride Indie Fest's website last week, and filmmakers on the withoutabox.com (a filmmaker's website) message boards were confused. None of them got in. NOT ONE. Withoutabox has hundreds of filmmakers applying to these festivals - there's always at least ONE who gets in.

Not only was that strange, but the films screening at this year's festival had NO google hits. My short film has almost 90 hits. Not one film in this year's fest have ANY.

A director named Steve on the withoutabox message boards did the following investigative research:

look at [Telluride selected film] "Amazing Amanda" by Charles C. Radford.

Google this phrase from his bio - "month-long shoot in five African countries" look at this link it turns up! What a coincidence! the 2002 Telluride Indie Fest! http://www.tellurideindiefest.com/indibio2K2.html

Look at the 2002 film "Legalized America." Compare these two bios:

2005: Charles recently received a Master of Fine Arts degree from Boston University where he completed the short film, "What's Wrong With America". His most recent project involved a month-long shoot in five African countries working as a cinematographer.

2002: Michael Ball recently received a Master of Fine Arts degree from Boston University where he completed the short film, "Legalized America". His most recent project involved a month-long shoot in five African countries working as a cinematographer.

Let's do another! This is fun. Google this phrase: "University of Southern California film school, and a two-year graduate of the Sanford Meisner Academy "

What a surprise - 2 matches - 2001 Indiefest and 2005 Indiefest!

2001 Indiefest: Jeff Bemis, "The Book and the Rose." Jeff is a graduate of the University of Southern California film school, and a two-year graduate of the Sanford Meisner Academy in Los Angeles.

2005 Teluride Indiefest: James Austin, "Beyond Zero" James is a graduate of the University of Southern California film school, and a two-year graduate of the Sanford Meisner Academy in Los Angeles. "

So Carr is making up films and reusing old bios to create a fake film festival. I mean, you can tell the films are fake just by their titles: "TODAY IS TOMORROW TODAY", "I SHOULD HAVE CALLED MOM", "LOVE IS A MANY SPLINTERED THING", ect...They just SOUND made up....

Moral of the story. Steer clear of Telluride Indie Fest.

There is nothing more pathetic then filmmakers desperate to get their film seen. Mr. Carr is taking advantage of these poor people by stealing their money and making up fake films for his pretend film festival.

Michael Carr - worst person EVER!

NOTE: Telluride Indie Film Fest isn't the Telluride Film Festival. That one is completely legit and respectable.