I don't know you, but add me on Facebook

Hey, Mind If I Add You On Facebook?

Hey there! You know my friend Will? I can't believe we're both at this party and we both know Will!

Where'd he go? I'm not sure, I think he said he was grabbing a beer. You know Will, one minute you come up to him and start complaining about your job and ask him "where the poon at?" and the next he's awkwardly introducing you to an acquaintance and quietly slipping away in the pursuit of more alcohol.

But never mind him! Tell me a little bit about yourself! At least enough so that I can remember the barest fact about you and immediately add you to Facebook, thereby increasing my friend count and giving me a false sense of popularity.

What you think adding a complete stranger is weird? I hardly think so; I mean, I have 870 Facebook friends who can vouch for how awesome I am. Sure, I've only met 820 of them once, but they definitely got a sense of who I am...at least enough of a sense to click "accept" when the friend request fell into their inbox.

Why are you looking around the party when I'm talking to you? Are you trying to find another cool friend to introduce me to? Maybe I can add them too!

OK, that's cool...you're pulling out your Blackberry while I'm telling you about my top 10 albums of the 2000s. That's fine, just look down at the tiny screen in the palm of your hand:

You're just where I want you.

Remember how I casually asked your last name when we first met? Well, it's gettin' formal up in here now bitch because I can spend this uncomfortable beat adding you on Facebook.

It's the 21st century and if I know your first and last names...we're friends.

OK, watch this, I'm pulling out my iPhone and opening up the Facebook app and looking you up. Even as you're walking away from me because our conversation died a painful, awkward death when I made that joke about Asians and "shitty wok"...I know that we'll be virtual friends forever.

Yes, we will soon be online friends because no one except celebrities ever turn down friend requests. Believe me, I've tried! I'm still waiting for Chris Daughtry to be my friend. What's his deal?

Oh well, there's always Twitter for people who want another layer of privacy when they reveal their innermost private thoughts for all to see.

Anyway, nice to meet you and we'll definitely be friends forever even though I've only met you once for about a minute and a half and I will most certainly never see your bored, almost disgusted face again.

Get ready for a lifetime of "thumbs up" to statuses you really wish only your closest friends could read. Prepare yourself for annoying invitations to join my Farmville community and empty, meaningless birthday wishes like "happy birthday bro". Do I even know how old you are? Please! I don't even know what decade you were born in.

Isn't technology wonderful?