Slowly Dying Inside Doesn't Mean I'm Dying Outside!

By George Blembeck

Guest Blogger

Hey, just because I can barely make it through an hour of the painful, unending suffering that is life doesn't mean I don't know how to party.

Sure, I may stare at my pale, flabby body in the mirror and think about all the creatively diverse ways I could kill myself, only to stop short because I'm afraid it would give my father a heart attack; but a night out with me is going to be a blast!

You and me are going to paint this mother fucking town red, bitch!

What, you're concerned that I haven't left my bedroom in a week and you heard me loudly criticizing myself about a litany of failed opportunities? Fuck that, hoe! George Blembeck is all about the three Rs:

Red Wine With Bitches

Roses On The Bed With Bitches

Being Accused of Statutory Rape of Bitches

That last one only happened once, and sure it sent me through a giant shame spiral and put me in a place where my own gerbil vomited in disgust at the site of me; but George's BACK and ready to FUCK...someone with a properly authenticated state-issued ID.

Yeah, the last time I had sex it was with a concussed drunk girl who thought my name was Peter, but at least I got some action! OK, she had one arm and kept counting her eyebrows to make sure they didn't "add up to a number that offended Jesus", but damnit, we had a great time. It was special, fo' sho'...until she woke up the next morning and stole all of my high fiber cereals.

I thought she was the one!

So, let's go out tonight, buddy. You won't have a BETTER TIME with anyone else! Of course, I'll be thinking about how the noise of the bar and the piercing stares of its inhabitants makes me feel like I am less than a spec of nothingness; but at least I'll look like I'll be having a good time.

Maybe we'll get drunk! I'll put some kick ass tunes in the Jukebox and dance like an asshole because that's what well-adjusted people do; pretend they're having fun while hating everything about themselves and those that surround them.

Won't you please join me?