Oh No; Someone's Absconded With My Foot!

I remember that day like it was two weeks ago last Friday.

Two weeks ago, last Friday I was sitting in my bed. My normal alarm didn't go off with a thundering BOOM!, but with a shy, effete whisper. This caused me to not "wake up", but instead "sleep", which are scientific terms you should probably look up.

Noting that I was approximately 4 hours late for work, I gathered my goods together and hopped in my car. Then I thought to myself "why I did I just hop to my car? Why didn't I run?". Then I looked at my feet:

AHHH!!!! I had no left foot. It was like that movie "My Left Foot" but without the foot.

Despondently depressed, I began searching everywhere. This was no easy task, as you can imagine. On average, I'm not the sort of person to easily misplace a limb.

Panic attacks ensued; "I'm going be late for work!", "I'm going to be a cripple for life!", "Why can't I find a pair of jeans without faux bleach stains anymore?"

I looked up at the sky and it looked like it was covered in plastic wrap; rain started falling like hail and the clouds parted to reveal more clouds.

This was problematic, I thought, for my search would be delayed by inclement weather. It was like a golf match or a picnic hand job.

Should I just swallow my pride and go to work as one-legged freak? What if I call in sick even though my "Generic Office Busywork" was due this afternoon?

This was the toughest decision of my life, except for my famed 1995 quandary, "should I grow my hair long and part it down the middle?". I failed that one.

That's when I saw Yarmulke Jones, the most militant Black Panther on the block. I guess she was probably the only Black Panther on the block, but I'm not sure. I don't get invited to a lot of Black Panther Parties.

Her hair was newly shorn, which was odd because she had the biggest afro on the block...well, next to L'chaim Schmenderson, owner of the world's largest Jewfro.

"Yarmulke!", I howled. "Have you seen a wondering foot hopping around without a body?"
"Have you seen a bobbing afro wobbling about?"
She looked desperate.
"I've looked everywhere; including a cursory glance at this surrounding area!"
"What the hell is going on?", I sputtered. "If your 'fro is gone and my foot; that can only mean one thing..."
"I'm really fucking high?"
"No, but I like your creative input; we should write a "Lonelygirl 15" style webseries together. No, I'm suggesting something amazing. Something that's never been thought of before; something implying something that might be something you aren't quite ready to hear."
"Can you please stop using the word 'something'? It's really annoying"
"OK; here's my thesis" I swallowed my pride and gum. "There's a part-of-body snatcher going about stealing things from normal people such as you or I."
"Oh no! A part-of-body snatcher?!?!?!?! Whatever do we do?"
"There's only one thing we can do..."

To find out we can do...you'll just have to wait for tomorrow because I'm too languid to write the rest.