Super Jew!

I wrote something today.

I don't know why I wrote it.

I think it had to do with a "Butterfinger Buzz" that I consumed. This discontinued candy was being given away at an Ad Agency where I was working.

It proclaims it has "As Much Caffeine As The Leading Energy Drink!"...12 hours later and my heart is still beating in an irregular fashion, I'm sweating and I'm pretty sure I can see into the future. Grunge's going to make a comeback, BTW.

Anyway, this background information might explain the following sketch, which I'm pretty sure is unexplainable. That Catch-22 would make a wonderful book. I'll call it "Catch-22...2: Captain Aardvark's Return, Except Told in Completely Uninteresting Prose".

OK, here ya go:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Neil and Matt are sitting around, literally staring at the WALL.

MATT: Oh man, I’ll never be a success at everything. I should probably just kill myself...except I hate me too much to put myself out of the misery.

NEIL: Dude, you’re such a stereotypical Jew. Seriously, you make Woody Allen look like Hermann Göring. 

MATT: Don’t knock it man, don’t you remember how I used my Jewiness to star in that SpikeTV show?

CUT TO:

OPENING CREDITS MONTAGE:

Graphics follow the lyrics:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

SuperJew: A Hasidim DRESSED AS A SUPERHERO (like Superman, except S is a Menorah) Frantically Talks On The Phone, CRYING...

SINGER: SUPER JEW! Calling mom about problems. 

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

SuperJew makes love to a BLONDE

SINGER: SUPER JEW! Hate Fucking All The Germans. 

He SHITS on her FACE.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

SuperJew holds a Calculator, while caressing a pile of money.

SINGER: SUPER JEW! Sound financial decisions!

INT. SYNAGOGUE - DAY

SuperJew gives a thumbs UP!

SINGER:  SUPER JEW!

VOICE OVER: Super Jew is brought to you by Schmuley’s Matzoballs.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

A BLACK Hasidim sits at a table. 

He takes a bite of soup.

HASIDIM: Damn, that’s a fine ass SOUP!

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM

Neil looks perplexed.

NEIL: What are you doing?

MATT: Huh?

NEIL: You said “don’t you remember how I used my Jewiness to star in that SpikeTV show?” Then you stared blankly at the wall for 10 seconds. You never had a show on Spike.

Matt looks in a mirror...

ALL OF A SUDDEN, He’s Dressed as SUPER JEW.

MATT (to himself): One day, super Jew...one day...

And with that, I bid thee farewell...