April O'Neil wrote something in her journal.
A journey begins with a step.A step begins with a move.
A move begins with a thought.
A thought begins with an idea.
An idea begins with an education.
"Great", she thought; "Now all I have to do is get an education".
She wasn't unintelligent, she just didn't have an education. She had a PHd in life, as she remarked in polite company, but that was about as impressive as a PHd from Devry. Her dog had more training than she; two years of community college were about equivalent to a degree in "Walkies" from Poocherstein University.
She was not happy in life; married at 18 to a young evangelical, she lost her faith in God on the macabre charade that was her wedding night. God simply couldn't exist, as there was no explanation for the collection of odd, dangly things contained in her husband's pants. He knew there was something awry when she screamed "There is NO GOD!" the second he removed his TMNT boxers.
They divorced when he caught her cheating on him loudly while she slept. "Oh Shlomo!" she screamed. "Do it again!".
The sad thing was she didn't truly love Shlomo, the town Mohel, she just loved what he did for a living.
Alone, working a crappy receptionist job and spending most of her evenings Googling "lulz", April knew that her life must have a purpose, but that purpose was probably stuck between the cushions or under the couch.
One night, while idly looking up old middle-school acquaintances on Stickam, God arrived.
She was surprised for a multitude of reasons; first, that God existed. Second, that God Was A Taco.
Yes, the Almighty God was a crispy pollo grande with extra cheese. Also, he had the worst salsa breath in recorded history.
"April! Boweth downeth to meeth!"
"Did you just say Meth? Bow to down to Meth?"
"Oh, sorry, I was just being poetic", he said, taco-shell lips flip-flopping, "I meant me-eth"
God Continued.
"Listen April, life is short and you're wasting it; get out every once in a while; travel, shoot a hobo, watch two elephants crap on each other".
"But God, I have a crappy job, no money, generic third complaint about why I'm inactive. How can I take a journey?".
"That's simple, April; the only journey worth taking is a journey within yourself. Take that first step now. Close your eyes and imagine yourself wherever it is you want to be".
She closed her eyes and saw the majesty that only the mind could provide; hardcore pron, EPIC FAILS and teh awesomeness.
She realized her true calling; she was to be a vacuous internet meme. Of course saying "vacuous internet meme" is kinda like saying "huge large burger", but she got the point.
She turned to God and thanked him. Got smiled a big taco smile and flew away in a puff of salsa fart breath.
"Now, all I have to do is become an internet meme".
And that, my friends, is the story of her blog: April's Salsa Fart; updated everyday with Fart Pix, Fart Vids and EPIC Fart Fails. It's currently being developed into a novel and an MTV reality series.
April realized that in this modern day and age, an education begins with a journey and not the other way around. The internet allows you to throw everything at a wall to see what sticks, take a journey without an education, idea, thought, move or even a step.
It's the Cliff's Notes version of life and that's totally OMFG LOL LULZ with April.
"Great", she thought; "Now all I have to do is get an education".
She wasn't unintelligent, she just didn't have an education. She had a PHd in life, as she remarked in polite company, but that was about as impressive as a PHd from Devry. Her dog had more training than she; two years of community college were about equivalent to a degree in "Walkies" from Poocherstein University.
She was not happy in life; married at 18 to a young evangelical, she lost her faith in God on the macabre charade that was her wedding night. God simply couldn't exist, as there was no explanation for the collection of odd, dangly things contained in her husband's pants. He knew there was something awry when she screamed "There is NO GOD!" the second he removed his TMNT boxers.
They divorced when he caught her cheating on him loudly while she slept. "Oh Shlomo!" she screamed. "Do it again!".
The sad thing was she didn't truly love Shlomo, the town Mohel, she just loved what he did for a living.
Alone, working a crappy receptionist job and spending most of her evenings Googling "lulz", April knew that her life must have a purpose, but that purpose was probably stuck between the cushions or under the couch.
One night, while idly looking up old middle-school acquaintances on Stickam, God arrived.
She was surprised for a multitude of reasons; first, that God existed. Second, that God Was A Taco.
Yes, the Almighty God was a crispy pollo grande with extra cheese. Also, he had the worst salsa breath in recorded history.
"April! Boweth downeth to meeth!"
"Did you just say Meth? Bow to down to Meth?"
"Oh, sorry, I was just being poetic", he said, taco-shell lips flip-flopping, "I meant me-eth"
God Continued.
"Listen April, life is short and you're wasting it; get out every once in a while; travel, shoot a hobo, watch two elephants crap on each other".
"But God, I have a crappy job, no money, generic third complaint about why I'm inactive. How can I take a journey?".
"That's simple, April; the only journey worth taking is a journey within yourself. Take that first step now. Close your eyes and imagine yourself wherever it is you want to be".
She closed her eyes and saw the majesty that only the mind could provide; hardcore pron, EPIC FAILS and teh awesomeness.
She realized her true calling; she was to be a vacuous internet meme. Of course saying "vacuous internet meme" is kinda like saying "huge large burger", but she got the point.
She turned to God and thanked him. Got smiled a big taco smile and flew away in a puff of salsa fart breath.
"Now, all I have to do is become an internet meme".
And that, my friends, is the story of her blog: April's Salsa Fart; updated everyday with Fart Pix, Fart Vids and EPIC Fart Fails. It's currently being developed into a novel and an MTV reality series.
April realized that in this modern day and age, an education begins with a journey and not the other way around. The internet allows you to throw everything at a wall to see what sticks, take a journey without an education, idea, thought, move or even a step.
It's the Cliff's Notes version of life and that's totally OMFG LOL LULZ with April.
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