"I am a wet blanket dousing the fire of your loins"

"I am a wet blanket dousing the fire of your loins", he thought.

What better way to Twitter-flirt, or "Twirt", than to write extremely provocative innuendos cloaked in a mask of humor and uneasy awkwardness? After all, why change what's worked for 20-odd years?

That's when he looked up and realized that the term "Twirt" was just ridiculous. So were the terms "weblebrity" and "mukluk".

Flirting over direct message was nice, but not as nice as flirting in person, and not even close to as nice as watching the Director's Cut of "Apocalypse Now". Her responses "LOL" and "WTF OMG LOL" belied the inherent macabre despondency of the situation; Each three letter acronym was another knife to the heart; Each four letter acronym was another knife to the heart, stab to the stomach and rape of the anal. I won't even go into five letter acronyms.

He closed Twitter. What good was it doing him anyway? He couldn't express himself correctly anyway; "If Carneades was correct in saying 'nothing can be known; not even this', then how the hell am I supposed to figure out the 7th season of 24?"...is more than 140 characters.