Bar-hack Obama

Why do I love Barack Obama?

I was just watching him on "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart". All throughout Stewart's semi-amusing Harpo Marx-esque mugging, Obama kept his sheepish grin. Do I actually believe Obama thought everything Stewart said was funny? That would be a no. Did Obama's sheepish smile seem genuine? Most definitely.

This is basically what I've been looking for since I've been voting (Yes, my first vote was for Nader in 2000. My hands and heart are still black); a candidate who can SMILE like they mean it. I think you can tell a lot about yourself based on your candidate's smile.

Let's take a look:

John McCain:He's got that; "oh, I'll pretend your joke is funny, even though I'm old, my prostate's swollen to the size of a watermelon and I'm waiting to collect my social security check; what is this newfangled internot of which you speak? I watch the tube-you!" look about him.

If you vote for him, your sense of humor hovers around that "TV Land at four in the morning, either really old or extremely unemployable loner" category.

Hillary Rodham-Clinton:Now this is the smile of a woman who's been pretending her husband hasn't been "dipping his pen in the company ink" for the past 25 years. This is the "smile at all costs, even though I'm dead inside" smile. "Oh, my life is going to hell? Well that's just swell because your joke is HILARIOUS! Now get me some single-malt whiskey".

You'd vote for her if you were: a scorned woman; a porn star (this smile reminds me of the "wow, that 12 inch cock will sure feel great in my arse!" porn star look), or Bill Clinton; although who the hell knows who he really voted for in the primary; after all, he was the first black president. Ba-dum-bump.

Finally, here's my man:


OK, so I'm a heterosexual, but I sure would love to nibble on those pearly whites. This is the smile of a man who, if does not genuinely find you funny, CARES about whether of not you think he finds you funny; he's the guy who you buy a beer for at the bar because he laughed at your genuinely unfunny quip about modern life, the kind of guy who is gregarious and nods and smirks and takes his shirt off when you rub his chest and...oh wait, I'm confusing my homosexual fantasy with this blog post. Oh well.

You vote for him if: you're me. Or, according to the media, you're a liberal elitist who wants to raise taxes, cuddle up with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and kill all the Jews with your buddy Jeremiah Wright. I always knew I was a self-hating Jew!