Trying to keep up

I don't write in this blog that much anymore. I think it's because I'm not as inspired as I used to be. Why is that?

Probably because I work at home all day long. There's only so much inspiration one can derive from the following schedule:

9-11am - "brainstorm" on the toilet
11am-1pm - "toilet storm" on the toilet
1pm-3pm - watch "Toilet Storm", the A&E reality show about a group of tattooed plumbers and the drains they fondle
3pm-5pm - fondle my own drains while thinking about "toilet storm"

Coincidentally, my high school nickname was "the toilet storm", but that had more to do with my shitty personality than anything else.

It's a sedentary life. One which includes brief insights into the human condition - for example, the other day I woke up with the following tidbit written into my "thought pad" (if you can call it that): "there is a fine line between porno stash and porno 'stash."

Sure, Ron Jeremy and my comprehensive pornography collection might be of interest to pale, undersexed hornballs - but who wants to listen to them? No one - not even that one prostitute I tried really hard to recite poetry to.  Seriously, if she couldn't pretend to be into E.E. Cummings, then what am I paying her $50 for? Hot Carls? It's not worth it!

I guess another reason I don't write here as much is that most of my creative energy is spent attempting to craft Hollywood gold. It's funny - I expend much more effort writing that stuff than I ever did writing for this blog. And honestly, I'm pretty sure that my writing's much, much worse.

When you write scripts, you are allowed to type things like: "He looks at her. She smiles. They hug." Taken out of context, that would seem like a second grader's "happy time story telling", but you know what? That came from the script of a multi-million dollar project. Not going to say which one, but do I really have to? I'm sure you've seen it - if not on screen - in your nightmares.

So honestly, writing this blog is easier, more fun and less cringe-inducing than writing for Hollywood. That's probably why I barely update it. Too good and easy. I'm one for punishment. And I guess I don't have much to complain about - with the exception of the fact that I've obviously started beginning sentences with "and", which is such poor grammar that I believe Priscian is currently rolling around in his grave. Do you not know who Priscian is? Good, he's happy you don't. He says "fuck you and your terrible grammar, you indolent ne'erdowell". His words, not mine.

I guess the moral of the story is...don't try to make money writing. If that's your dream, then stop following your dreams. Aim low. Aim so low that humongous failure is a step up. That way, if you bugger your shit up - you're still doing OK. Priscian won't judge and you'll still have time to brainstorm on the toilet.

See? I can't write shit anymore. On a side note, this blog post has been optioned and will be turned into a buddy comedy staring Martin Lawrence and Ashton Kutcher called "Big Momma's...oh who the fuck cares?"