The World Is Wrong and You're Right

I awoke with a giant chicken salad sandwich in my mouth. Next to me; a yellow sticky note, which simply read: "I am a yellow sticky note". Needless to say, it was a confusing morning.

When I looked at my clock, it said that the time was 10:45 in the afternoon. Never trust a talking clock.

Something was fishy and it wasn't the salmon juice that I rubbed all over my thighs last night to "frighten the demons away". No, something was not right.

That's when I grabbed my phone and called my ex fiancé. After she said that we were never engaged and we only went out on one date 7 years ago, she asked "shouldn't you be following the stipulations of that restraining order?". That's when I figured out what the problem was:

Everything else in the world was wrong except me!

Yes, I am right and you are wrong. Did we just go out on a date and did you think that "it was the worst date you've ever been on, and Matt's breath smelled like fetid milk mixed with rabbit turd?" Well, date: you're wrong! It was a great time, we'll probably be married next week and my breath is as sweet as seven Lifesavers mixed with rose-flavored tulips.

Did you just look at me and sneeze, but I thought you said "ahh-Jew"? Did I call you anti-Semitic? Did you just call me a "stereotypical paranoid Jew with an inflated sense of ego?" Well, you're wrong because you hate Jews! Everything you say is wrong because you hate Jews and everything I say is right because I'm Matt.

If I walked into my couch last night and stubbed my toe, it isn't my incessant clumsiness...it's because that fucking couch doesn't know when to get out of the way. Fucking couch.

Once you look at life and realize everyone and everything is totally and completely wrong except you, the world opens up. Failure is no longer an option, because you aren't the one failing...everyone else is simply failing you! I win and you lose because I LOST!

When you look at things this way, it really helps that you realize the world revolves around you. Yes, you are the sun and the world is but a man-servant, following you around, asking "hey, what can I do for you today?". And you can't really do all that much because the world is so fucking huge that you're like "oh shit, world, I can't even get around because you're always up in my grill".

In fact, I wasn't able to exercise today because the world kept me from leaving the house. The only thing within arm's reach was that giant bottle of Whiskey and a box of Oreos. Don't blame me, it's the fucking world revolving around me.

Thank goodness that's all cleared up. Now nothing is my fault, because it's your fault. I don't know who you are, but sometime, some place, you could have done something to prevent me from failing, so it's all your fault.

Just ask the world.