Sarah Palin Popped Our Cherry

Remember when you were young? Back when sex was this magical, mysterious thing that meant everything and nothing. The time when the briefest moment alone with the opposite sex caused fluttering hearts, pickaxe headaches and sweaty palms.

Ah, the jittery fear caused by the beautiful unknown. Whatever sex is, it has to be amazing and wonderful. Sure, maybe you've read about it in a magazine, seen "a sexual documentary" or two, but it's transcendent in its sheer abstract potential.

Then you have it and you're like...OK...maybe this wasn't the intense metaphysical journey it was cracked up to be. Because the basic truth is: no matter how great a sexual experience you have, it will never be as amazing as you thought it was going to be. An unknown quantity is limitless in its potential.

I think America feels the same way about Sarah Palin.

"Hey," says America, "there's a hot -ILF (add your own first letter) with a funny accent running for vice president! What a great speech! Hockey Moms and Pitbulls! Wow! That's hysterical and new! I don't know who she is or what she stands for, but she certainly SEEMS wonderful. She makes my heart flutter!".

But then Americans had a nice dinner, went out for drinks and got a cheap, awkward hand job from Sarah Palin by way of the Charlie Gibson interview. "That wasn't too wonderful", America thinks. "But maybe if we go all the way, it will get better".

...And that's just what America did with the Katie Couric interview. They took Sarah home, undressed her and made awful, "where do I put this?" sex with her.

Every mixed-up talking point was a "penis slipping out of the vagina" moment, every "can't name the magazines I read" was an unpleasurable missionary position thrust.

Sarah Palin popped America's preverbal cherry and we didn't like it.

And now they're downplaying her debating skills, much like a boyfriend would call up and say "well, it was our first time! I mean, it won't get better for a while". Palin's trying to get away with a second awful fuck by setting the bar really low. Of course the sex will be bad, because he shouldn't know better.

I shouldn't expect much, so I won't be disappointed when Palin's brain starts to leak out of her ear as she speaks in unintelligible blatherskite .

Hell, now they're even saying Gwen Ifill is biased against her because she wrote a book about black politicians that happens to use Obama as a focus point. That's like your boyfriend telling you that your best friend is a bitch that's going to hate him no matter what because she was once did a book report with the guy who asked you out last week.

Did that sentence make little or no sense? That's because attacking Gwen Ifill makes no sense.

But come on, Sarah; You don't need to be jealous of our ex! You popped our cherry; and we're always going to have a special place in our hearts for our first. Just don't open your mouth and ruin it.